This was forwarded to me by a friend.
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners…..
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
15 thoughts on “High school metaphors and analogies.”
Wow. I had been in a really bad mood earlier, but when I read this, I started laughing out loud. My mom actually asked me what was wrong!
I think this is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time, so thank you so much!!!
having taught english for over a decade, i rarely found kids creative enough to do things things this back-asswards funny. thanks for posting. can anyone verify this really is a collection, or just the work off an unemployed writer.
Interesting that a current high schooler would reference Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth. Seems to me a reference a high schooler might make in 1994.
Hilarious. You know, even if it isn’t real high school essay exerpts, it’s still so funny that it doesn’t matter.
I’ve actually turned it into a meme. Now, the entire blogosphere will be making up stuff like this!
Haha, these are great. And as a high schooler myself, I’m confident that at least SOME of these were in fact written by high school students. We’re just that clever.
Excerpt from a 5th grade I-STEP paper (errors included):
One reason is a bettal can fly fast. Well not as fast as a cheata. As fast as a fat man in China. Faster than a paca too.
The second reason is a I think the bettal has good fligh ability like a hawk r a Plane. A buzzard on a windy day.
I was feeling quite down because I’ve been doing English homework all day and have been stuck on a certain extended metaphor then I read these and my day feels better already. Thanks for the laugh!
FYI, these came from a bad-writing contest, not real student essays. Still, I never metaphor I didn’t like.
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