Chuck Norris facts – all new!!

The 22 facts about Chuck Norris that I posted a few days ago have become hugely popular. As I said in the post, those were sent to me in a forwarded email, so unfortunately, I have no idea where they originated from. However, not being one to let an opportunity to jump on a bandwagon slip by, I’ve written my own Chuck Norris facts. Most of you probably didn’t know most of these were true. To be honest, I didn’t either. I only know them because Chuck Norris has allowed for me to know them.

19 More Facts About Chuck Norris

1. When a tsunami happens, it’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.
2. Chuck Norris poops light sabers.
3. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.
4. Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.
5. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.
6. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.
7. Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.
8. Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
9. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten – every night for a snack.
10. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
11. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
12. When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.
13. If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he’d strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.
14. Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
15. Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
16. The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.
17. Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.
18. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
19. Even Chuck Norris can’t believe nobody Chuck Norrised this guy a long time ago.

UPDATE (Feb. 8, ’06): Click here to see Tony Danza read Chuck Norris facts directly to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wants you to click here to find cool stuff that you can buy featuring Chuck Norris. If you don’t, you might make Chuck Norris mad. You don’t want Chuck Norris mad at you, do you?

343 thoughts on “Chuck Norris facts – all new!!

  1. Atle Veka says:

    Nice work Mikey! Here’s my own contribution…

    When Chuck Norris farts, several hundred species go extinct. Dinosaurs were around the last time Chuck Norris farted, let’s not hope he farts again.

  2. TBONE says:

    A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

  3. Chuck Jr. says:

    At a party one time, Some people who obviosly didnt know Chuck Norris, made fun of his beard. There were no survivors.

  4. Chreal says:

    Many don’t know this, but Peter Jackson is coming out with a sequel to “King Kong” known as “Chuck Norris”. He’s currently having trouble finding other cast members.

  5. Paul says:

    -Portraits close their eyes when Chuck Norris looks at them.

    -Chuck Norris doesn’t have a reflection.

    -Chuck Norris doesn’t have a shadow, light avoids him at all costs.

    -Chuck Norris is the only thing a black hole can’t suck in.

  6. dok says:

    the chief export of chuck norris is pain!
    chuck norris once roundhouse kicked mr t at the exact moment mr t punched him in the chest. the result was the 80,s

  7. shark attack says:

    chuck norris IS a weapon of mass destruction.

    chuck norris doesn’t milk cows…he roundhouse kicks them in the face ’til the bucket gets filled.

  8. Paul Dixon says:

    How many CHUCK NORRIS’S does it take to screw in a light bulb…WHAT!? CHUCK NORRIS doesn’t need light. Light needs CHUCK NORRIS.

  9. Jeeva says:

    haha s’pretty sweet lol-Mr. T’s infamous catch phrase was misunderstood to be “I Pity The Fool” when it was actually “I Pee In Your Food”. Mr. T then proceded to eat a bag of kittens.

  10. Matt says:

    When someone sneezes, Chuck Norris doesn’t say ‘God bless you’, he says roundhouse kick to the face, bitch.

  11. Neil G. says:

    I gotta admit that last elevator one was pitifull. A mother once came up to Chuck Norris with her sick baby, asking him to make her child healthy. Chuck Norris proceded to karate chop the baby to the throat, killing it instantly. He then impregnated the mother; The mother gave birth 2 days later… to a healthy child named Vin Deisel.

  12. perna says:

    Chuck Norris once raised the Titanic……He then proceeded to roundhouse kick it back to the bottom of the ocean!

  13. Justin says:

    Aliens do exist, they are just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack

    There is no such thing as a hurricane, it’s just Chuck Norris sneezing

  14. cocka-pee-pee-poo-poo-shire says:

    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” but before you can ask “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

  15. cocka-pee-pee-poo-poo-shire says:

    Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, hes stares them down until they give him the information.

  16. bob says:

    one time at band camp, Chuck Norris ripped off a bears head and shit down it’s throat.. he then roundhouse kicked it in the jugular.

  17. bbberry says:

    To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes

    Chuck Norris does not go hunting. the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

    Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice

    According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday

    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

    As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

    The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

    Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”

    Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

  18. perlene says:

    chuck norris is really scary and powerful. if you look him in the eyes fer more then 3 seconds you go blind. and then he gives u a roundhouse kick to the face

  19. chicken tits says:

    Chuck Norris is really Jesus.. he has just been hiding underground for the last few centuries practising his roundhouse kicks.

  20. perlene says:

    if chuck norris ever saw u giving another guy a roundhouse kick to the face chcuk norris wud come over and congratualte u. then he wud kill you for stealing his famous move

  21. Bajah says:

    perlene im sorry but those are the worst chuck norris facts i have ever read, for your idiocy I hope you die of a roundhouse kick very very soon

  22. shayne says:

    funniest shyt i ever heard in my life…chuck norris is now my new hero….chuck norris doesntneeed the total gym the total gym needs chuck norris

  23. jakeass says:

    perlene your chuck norris facts suck, if i wanted to come up with chuck norris facts like that i would consult a pencil,

    p.s. chuck norris rules

  24. jakeass says:

    perlene your chuck norris facts suck, if i wanted to come up with chuck norris facts like that i would consult a small piece of fabric,

    p.s. chuck norris rules

  25. momoney says:

    chuck norris facts are classic. Humorless idiots like bob and perlene should limit their involvement to reading such facts rather than coming up with moronic lines like those listed above.

  26. AndyB says:

    Chuck Norris Doesnt celebrate christmas, christmas celbrates chuck norris.

    Chuck Norris once killed a man…with his ass cheeks.

    For every time Chuck norris is used in these “facts” another person dies.

    When nature calls Chuck Norris is all ready done.

    funny or lame? all orig. no lie

  27. fig_meister says:

    How come Eminem didn’t have blonde hair during 8-Mile? Because when Chuck Norris found out that Em was going to make a shitty movie, he round-house kicked him so hard in the face that the peroxide fell out of Em’s head.

  28. rotaski says:

    chuck norris once starred on south park. he killed kenny for mumbling and when kyle and stan started to complain he roundhouse kicked them to the face instantly killing them. he then ate cartman.

  29. zach says:

    helicopters were invented because one time chuck norris was round house kicking so many people he began to fly

  30. nathan says:

    alright Ill be the first to say, no more “chuck norris doesnt blah, blah does chuck norris.”

    in other news:

    A man once insulted Chuck Norris which forced him to roundhouse kick him so hard he broke the sound barrier and hit a big blimp, this blimp is no known as the hindenburg. The man is suspected to be floating out in space near pluto.

  31. Justindbz says:

    Chuck Norris has never given birth to a child, not because he can’t but because the world isn’t ready…

  32. Ian says:

    Hello Mike,

    I stumbled across your blog since it was listed in my site’s stats package. I would appreciate it if on your previous post regarding Chuck Norris facts you could credit my site, 4q.cc.

    I like the power outlet one, by the way.

    Thanks again,

    Ian
    4q.cc

  33. cajuncush says:

    Chuck Norris has the greatest poker face of all time. He won the 1998 World Series of Poker with only a Joker , a get out of jail free card from monopoly, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades and a green #4 card from UNO

  34. Mikie's Sista says:

    Mount Rushmore once featured the likeness of Chuck Norris. His carving head-butted our other founding forefathers and they all went down. Chuck’s head was smiling.

  35. me says:

    Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

    Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

    A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

    According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

    Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    Not my facts but good enough for everyone to know

  36. sayagain? says:

    Chuck Norris sucks! He was a horrible actor and last i heard he died on a moving roller coaster screaming like a b*tch.

  37. Chuck Norris says:

    Ok the Poster named Bob should do the world a favor and never speak again. He posted some really lame ass stuff that couldnt even be misinterpreted as funny and then had the the nerve to call someone on “pasteing” right after he had used a stolen chuck fact. Altering it slightly not only didnt hide the fact that you stole it and that you are a piece of shit hypocrit, but you someone how managed to make it unfunny at the same time.

    The Original one reads
    Chuck Norris’ tears can cure canser, Too bad he has never cried!

    bob Says:
    December 21st, 2005 at 9:08 pm
    When chuck norris dies his bones will cure aids… too bad chuck norris will never die.

    watching bob try to be funny was the most pathic shit I have seen in a long time.

    Bob Says:
    December 15th, 2005 at 7:35 pm
    What is better than sex? Chuck Norris

    bob Says:
    December 21st, 2005 at 9:03 pm
    Chuck norris eats poop and then goes pee.

    one time at band camp, Chuck Norris ripped off a bears head and shit down it’s throat.. he then roundhouse kicked it in the jugular.

    At this point i just started to get annoyed with this jack asses lame attempts and his sidekick perelene is just as bad. Shame-fucking-shame on you 2 lame asses. Almost all of the made up once by the people on this site were really really bad

  38. me says:

    For the record, the person who copied and pasted all of those old jokes that also has the name me, is not in fact ME. I create original jokes, no copy and paste.

  39. Tom says:

    Sexual intercourse is just a fancy way of saying chuck norris

    and by the way for the people who copy and paste the facts, dont plan on waking up because chuck norris is watching

  40. erik says:

    The Queen of England once slept with Chuck Norris, afterwhich she asked to cuddle. Chuck Norris got up and roundhouse kicked her just to prove a a point, Chuck Norris is no pussy

    how could this one not be posted

  41. Tom says:

    the dinosaurs werent killed by a meteor, chuck norris just didnt like their faces so he killed them all with a simple round house kick

    not the best but its true

  42. sbuop16 says:

    A horse once bucked Chuck Norris, he simply looked at the horse, and it turned itself to glue, bottled itself, stocked itself in the nearest hobbie store

  43. sbuop16 says:

    The show “Lost” originated from a plane that mysteriously crashed from the wind produced from a Chuck Norris ROUNDHOUSE

  44. sbuop16 says:

    Chuck Norris teaches mere mortals roundhouse kicks to stir his drinks.

    The chemical compound of Red Bull can be find its orgins in Chuck Norris’ Urine

  45. Kevin says:

    When designing the iPod, Steve Jobs went to Chuck Norris for advice. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Steve in the face. Steve barely survived but the result was the click-wheel.

  46. Kneegrow says:

    Chuck Norris does not sneeze, the last time Chuck Norris sneezed was back in 1968, Gary Coleman was then created.

  47. Blah says:

    Chuck Norris writes about the daily news three months in advance.

    It only takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

  48. Dan says:

    Chuck Norris freezes his poop and tells homeless kids its chocolate. After the kids eat the poop they turn into the black guy from Walker Texes Ranger.

  49. wacawacawaca says:

    When police arrive at a the scene of a murder and find Chuck Norris with blood on his hands, they promptly apologize for wasting his time.

  50. Jason says:

    Chuck Norris uses Richard Simmons for dental floss.

    Chuck Norris farts cure anthrax poisoning.

    To save money on executions, the State of Texas is considering death by Chuck Norris instead of lethal injection.

  51. Jason says:

    Chuck Norris once stopped a speeding train with his left testicle.

    If you’re ever taking a multiple choice test and you don’t know the answer, write in E. Chuck Norris. You’ll always be right.

  52. MrBuffStudly says:

    Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong and Tupac Shakur to a “Who has lost more testicles” contest. Chuck Norris won by 3

  53. $5 Frankie says:

    Chuck Norris never gave up dealing in pain for Lent, Lent gave up Chuck Norris (but got him back after Easter).

  54. $5 Frankie says:

    Chuck Norris’ stock trades publicly on NASDAQ under the name “Chuck Norris, LTD.” His four-digit stock symbol is “PAIN”.

  55. Jason says:

    Chuck Norris has a twin brother. His name is God.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t kick puppies. He stares at them until they fly into the nearest wall.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t pay for anything. Instead, he hands cashiers a note that says “I’ll kill your children and use their corpses as ventriloquist dolls.”

    Before invading Iraq, the US government considered sending in Chuck Norris solo, but they didn’t want to get accused of committing crimes against humanity.

  56. sweetanne_marie says:

    In the News:

    Scientists studying what they believe to be Mozart’s skull now think he was killed by a blow to the head and further testing has proved it was by a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.

    Researchers recently identified Chuck Norris as the largest known prime number, which is only divisible by Chuck Norris and 1.

  57. $5 Frankie says:

    A reading from the holy blessed Book of Chuck:

    And the Lord spoke, and Chuck, pretending to be interested, listened.

    “Go ye Chuck, defender of bad-assedness, defeater of wussiness, all-knowing and all-wise master of the roundhouse kick, go ye and spread the Word that I, the Lord God Alimighty command my lesser children, my mere and weaker humans, to praise you and your teachings as they would the Word of the Lord God Almighty himself. For it is you Chuck, whom I have truly made in thine own likeness, to be certainly somewhat more badass than other Kid of mine from Nazareth.”

    And when the Lord finished speaking Chuck looked up, and nodded slightly, and walked away as if he could care less. And the birds sang, and the oxen and sheep rejoiced, for truly the Lord God Almighty himself had given His lesser children Chuck, to defend bad-assedness, to defeat wussiness, and to teach us the roundhouse kick, even if their roundhouse kicks could never come close to his.

    This, is the Word of the Lord.

    -Amen

  58. $5 Frankie says:

    So that was over your head Cooli? Guess you should have gone back and finished the 4th grade like you told your mother you would. -$5

  59. Kevin says:

    Chuck Norris was originally cast for the role of Batman, but Tim Burton was to creeped out and went with Michael Keaton instead

  60. La BeRd mAn says:

    Chuck Norris is so tough he smoked 12 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 types of cancers, he cured himself by simple flexing for 10 minutes… take that Lance Armstrong

  61. supercaboose says:

    chuck norris once round house kicked someone so hard that his foot exceeded the speed of light and it went back in time and made emilia erhart crash into the pacific

  62. Jack Quantas says:

    In the mititary terms Chuck Norris was mistakenly given the designation as having the stopping power of an entire brigade. Over time time his skills were correctly compared to that of a continential army. Eventually the Department of Defense even named him the 8th standing U.S. Army.

  63. Jack Quantas says:

    Chuck Norris is more than a Warrior. He is a God Warrior! He is the best in the execution of every discipline of warfare and Martial Arts in the history of Mankind. He holds all world championships in every Martial Art at the same time! The Japanese have elevated him beyond a Ninja to a new order created only for him called Tunija. The term has no English translation except maybe “God Warrior from Outer Space?.

  64. $5 Frankie says:

    Chuck Norris is even a greater warrior than King Richard the Lion-Hearted. Just think of him as Chuck the Lion-Hearted.

  65. chuck norrises friend says:

    chuck norris once kicked a man so hard that his foot broke the speed of light went back in time and killed amelia earhart, a man once asked chuck norris is his first name was really charles, chuck norris didnt respond he just stared at the man untill he exploded, CHUCK NORRIS IS FRICKEN AWSOME YEAH! chuck norris likes to knit blankets in his spare time and by knit i mean “kick” and by blankets i mean “babies”

  66. siknar43 says:

    Nuclear missles were once known as Weapons of Mass Destruction until Chuck Norris obliterated half of the Middle East with the shockwave he created by a swift roundhouse kick to the ground.
    WMD’s are now known as LFPB’s or, “Little Fairy Pussy Bombs”.

  67. KC the kid says:

    Every morning for breakfast, Chuck Norris has 2 eggs, 2 pieces of white toast, a Vietnamese toddler and a glass of o.j.

    The leading cause of death in the U.S. is Chuck Norris.

    By the time you finish reading this sentence, Chuck Norris will have killed 74 more people.

    Chuck Norris is your idol, whether you like it or not.

    It is 97% likely that Chuck Norris is your real father.

    Bulletproof vests are constructed from fibers of Chuck Norris’ beard.

    If you’re still alive, its because Chuck Norris hasn’t gotten around to killing you… yet.

    The FDA has decided to rename anabolic steroids. It will now be know as “Chuck Norris juice.”

    Chuck Norris performs abortions with his beard.

    Chuck Norris’ rank in martial arts is so high, they haven’t invented a color for the belt marking his degree of mastery.

    Chuck Norris was responsible for the Holocaust. The fact that all the people were Jewish was merely a coincidence.

    A penny saved is a penny you must give to Chuck Norris, or he will kill you.

    The TV executives responsible for canceling “Walker: Texas Ranger” suffered a fate so unimaginable, I cannot tell you about it or you may implode.

    According to the Bible, Jesus Christ died to save us from our sins. In the original translation, “sins” was Aramaic for “Chuck Norris.”

    Any film footage you’ve ever seen of an atomic bomb is actually footage of Chuck Norris lighting one of his farts on fire.

    Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked the deputy in the face, shattering his spine.

    “Uzi” is Israeli for “Chuck Norris.”

    Milton Bradley is developing a Chuck Norris board game, “A Day in the Life of Chuck Norris.? The premise of the game is simple: hand-to-hand combat until you are the only one left alive. It is recommended that you not play with loved ones or Chuck Norris.

    If he were to be handed a picture of you, Chuck Norris could stare at the picture until you spontaneously combust.

    CBS is currently working on Survivor: Chuck Norris. This edition of Survivor entails a single hour-long episode during which 30 people will be dropped off on an island and must survive Chuck Norris’ wrath for 1 hour. Thus far, none of their test contestants have made it longer than 18 seconds.

    So they might not be the best, but at least they’re original.

  68. Hitchhiker says:

    KC, you show some talent. I’ve searched the whole web for Chuck facts and I must say that yours are quite cool. Keep them coming!

  69. Hitchhiker says:

    Chuck Norris once walked in front of a mirror and saw his one reflection. He shouted:”no one out stares the CHUCK”. Chuck Norris is still staring.

  70. $5 Frankie says:

    Chuck knows when you are sleeping
    He knows when you’re awake
    He knows when you’ve been bad my friend
    And he’ll break your friggin’ legs

    (sung to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

  71. KC the kid says:

    Not sure if my buddy scalped these off the net or not, but I didn’t see them on this site and I thought they were good. Sorry if you’ve heard them before.

    Chuck Norris sued Burger King for not making it “his way,” because “his way” required his Whopper to have razors in it.

    Before there was email, Chuck Norris would tie messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

    When Chuck Norris is running late, time slows down for Chuck Norris.

    When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying “boo-ya!”

    Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with
    five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to
    limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of
    the actors he fights

    The opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on a game of dodgeball that Chuck Norris played when he was 8 years old.

    Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

    Never believe someone who says “now I’ve seen everything,” because they haven’t seen a roundhouse to their face from Chuck Norris. If they had, they would be crippled or dead.

    The grass is always greener on the other side; Unless Chuck Norris has been there, then the grass is likely stained with blood and tears.

    I’ll see if I can’t come up with any more.

  72. Toupee says:

    Chuck Norris can eat a blue whale. He chooses not to, because he thinks that it’s funner to beat them to a pulp.

  73. Amrish says:

    When Chuck Norris starts having sex with other men, it’s not because he’s gay. It’s because he ran out of women.

  74. gibberish185 says:

    Wanna know why the Leaning Tower of Piza leans? It’s because Chuck Norris gave it a roundhouse kick. And if you guessed wrong, look behind you and have a good life, the next 2 seconds of it. Chuck Norris does not accept failure.

  75. gibberish185 says:

    The Jews did not kill Jesus, that was Chuck Norris.

    When Jesus came back to life, it was actually Chuck Norris in disguise. His plan to get billions of Christians around the world to worship God (also known as Chuck Norris) succeeded

    I also have one that would go after the Jews killing Jesus one which is

    And the holocaust was actually Chuck Norris getting revenge on those who stole his accomplishments

  76. gibberish185 says:

    I felt those were clever in any case though I don’t know about that last one though. The Holocaust isn’t usually good to make jokes on. Especially saying it didn’t happen or “that is was actually Chuck Norris” or something like that. So, don’t worry everybody, I don’t mean to offend you in any way.

    P.S.

    The only reason Santa comes by only once a year is because that’s all Chuck Norris permits him too. Serves the fat bastard right after once making a comment about his beard being better than Chuck Norris’s

  77. Hitchhiker says:

    The guiness book of world records is merely a list of things Chuck Norris has yet to attempt.
    Sharks don’t live in the ocean because they breathe water. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn’t.

    The Neverending Story ended because Chuck Norris told it to.

    Chuck Norris uses his own currency. The ROUNDHOUSE kick.

    Chuck Norris Does not study martial arts, martial arts is the study of Chuck Norris

  78. flabajaba2213 says:

    Chuck Norris could kill your entire family just by day dreaming about them.

    Chuck Norris never has to do laundry. The dirt jumps off of his clothing because he tells it to.

    One time, Chuck Norris went on the Muppet Show. However, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem band didn’t do his song right, so he killed all of the muppets, tore of their skin, and made a funny hat. That is why the Muppet Show got cancelled.

    Chuck Norris never has to iron his clothes, he just threatens them stiff.

    One time, Chuck Norris looked up into the sky and stared really hard at our second moon, which made it burst in to flames. That is how the sun was created.

    The original names for the guys in Double Dragons were Chuck and Norris.

    These are, as far as I know, all original.

    Chuck Norris is my Hero.

  79. Chris says:

    There are only two kinds of people in the world besides Chuck Norris: people too afraid to fight him and mutilated dead people.

  80. wishwes he were the norris says:

    cars were invented to get away from CHUCK NORRIS and it worked untill CHUCK NORRIS invented the car accident

  81. Brad says:

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that it broke the space-time continuum and was seen by Captain Kirk centuries earlier and was mistaken for a Comet .

  82. Lemmi says:

    Chuck Norris is the only man to ever beat a brick wall in tennis

    Chuck Norris sang the song that never ends – twice!

    My friend told me these I thought they were hilarious

  83. Banzi_guy says:

    What is the ChuckNorris? The question you have been asking yourself over and over again.
    The ChuckNorris is all around us, it is the air we breathe, the food we eat, it is the entire world in which we live. Enter the Chuck Norris

  84. Banzi_guy says:

    What you think to be Neo in “The Matrix”, Is Actually Chuck Norris. He can doesnt need to dodge bullets, he simply eats them.The Orcacle listens to what Chuck has to say, then passes it on making it seem like she knew it herself. 2500000 Sentinels are no match for one Roundhouse kick and Agent Smith was thrashed sensless in under 120 seconds, the first 115 of those were spent eating all of his clones.
    The reason why none of this featured in the film was because anyone who saw it died from head implosion. Chuck Norris is the one…

  85. Banzi_guy says:

    Chuck Norris had a son. His son died when he was 21. Chuck brought him back to life again, then Roundhouse kicked him in the face(killing him again) for dying.

    Chuck Norris broke his leg one day. He merely chuckled, chewed it off, and grew another one

    Chuck Norris can travel at 300000000 meters a second, while at the same time he reaches a temperature of minus 278 degrees. After that he just chuckled

    Just some a friend of mine told me, all original

  86. BARNES says:

    once chuck norris tried 2 roundhouse kick gary coleman in the face . he missed by mssing he tore a hole in the fabric of time ceating a blachole that sucked in both gary coleman and chuck norris he then proceeded 2 do a double swan kick out of the black hole sealing it with gary coleman inside. this is the reason 4 the gary coleman dissapearance

  87. Travis Dultz says:

    You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? Well actually if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
    – Quote by Travis Dultz 1/9/05

  88. Mugster says:

    Chuck Norris invented the Internet. In 1764. But he roundhouse kicked it and it wasn’t re-invented for over two centuries.

    Chuck Norris does not use remote controls. He simply stares at his TV.

    Fire was created by Chuck Norris. So that he could burn down the house of the only other person to ATTEMPT a Norris roundhouse kick.

    Mama Cass did not choke on her own vomit. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her in the throat.

    Mountain Dew is actually the urine of Chuck Norris. Diluted to 1%.

    Hair from Chuck Norris’ beard will replace the ceramic heat-shield tiles on the next generation of space shuttles.

    All original.

  89. douchebag says:

    chuck norris created the big bang theory by roundhouse kicking the big energy ball at the beginning of time, causing it to explode. he then ate half the results

  90. Dante says:

    Chuck Norris once built a house at the bottom of the ocean, then proceeded to live there for two months. When asked why, he said, “So I can prove to everyone that I’ll breathe when I damn well please.”

    Chuck Norris invented water just so he could walk on it.

  91. Wraith says:

    Chuck Norris has a gold card account with the grim reaper.

    Chuck Norris knows the grim reaper on a first name basis.

    The grim reaper does so much work for Chuck Norris that he buys his children christmas gifts… so he won’t get roundhouse kicked.

  92. kenny says:

    WWII Started because somebody steppedon chuck norris’ shoe

    Anakin skywalker didnt really fall into lava, chuck norris just didnt like him

    chuck norris can outrun a cheetah

    when chuck norris rubs his hands together, it sparks

    chuck norris stars on the mtv show”viva la chuck norris”

    chuck norris got kicked out of the marine corp for making his drill instructor cry

    Chuck norris didnt go to school once, but he still aced every class and test

    Chuck norris doesnt take candy from babies, He roundhouse kicks them

    chuck norris blood is equal to all the worlds oil X 10. He has never bled

    in the jungle, the mighty jungle, chuck norris waits for you

    what came first, the chicken or the egg.. Chuck norris

    chuck norris ate a quarter and shit out a golden statue

  93. Da man says:

    chuck norris can make a person explode by licking their belly buttons

    chuck norris pierced his navel with a harpoon

    chuck norris belly button is sexy

  94. KooHoo says:

    God will send people to hell only because they need space for Chuck Norris…

    Too bad for people. Chuck Norris will not die.

  95. siknar43 says:

    Chuck Liddell challenged Chuck Norris to a deathmatch to show the world once and for all who was the Alpha Chuck. The match lasted 8 seconds, and consisted of one uncontested roundhouse kick. 43 minutes later and 100 miles away, Liddell’s head smashed through the window of his girlfriend’s house and landed on her dinner plate with Chuck Norris’s phone number carved into his forehead. She called.

  96. bfisch says:

    Chuck Norris’ real name is Charles Xavier Bamf Zaltan Norris’. But to show mercy he shortened it to Chuck Norris so when he preceded to ask “Whats my name, bitch?? while roundhouse kicking people in the face they could answer before they died from a final and fatal round house kick to the jaw.

  97. Zinan says:

    wait-i think i’ve seen this one somewhere else:
    The great wall of china was built to keep Chuck Norris out

    “Allah” is the arabic word for Chuck Norris

    If emo posers really hated life, they would let chuck norris roundhouse kick their wrists

    Santa let his beard grow out after he saw Chuck Norris

    the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse refer to Chuck Norris’s balls

  98. Casey says:

    Chuck Norris’s blood was renamed ambrosia, however the only time he ever bled flooded the nile. Exodus 7:14

  99. rogue says:

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

  100. chuck says:

    someone once told Chuck Norris Christmas was more about giving than recieving…Chuck obliged by giving everyone roundhouse kicks to the face.

  101. deano says:

    I caught my wife cheating on me with Chuck Norris…it was the most beautiful thing I have seen in my life.

  102. flo flo says:

    A stitch in time saves nine, but shortly after they are saved chuck norris roundhouse kicks one of them and they all die

  103. garritto says:

    an iceberg didnt sink the titanic, the titanic sunk the iceberg,and by titanic i mean chuck norris!!!

  104. The Aks says:

    Using only a couple of ordinary roofing nails and his fist as a hammer, Chuck Norris was able to convert a live bald eagle into a badass hood ornament for his monster truck.

  105. GR says:

    Using his extravagant time traveling powers, Chuck Norris ventured to ancient San Antonio, where he was the only one fighting back Santa Anna’s vast army for 14 days. One day, sadly, all the men in the camp were ambushed while writing tall tales about defending the Alamo; Chuck had traveled back to the late 1900’s, where he starred in a porn flick with then virgin Pamela Anderson. Chuck then invented the internet to showcase his masterpiece, and after 3 straight months of sex, returned to Texas shouting REMEMBER THE ALAMO! He roundhoused the entire army across the Rio Grande River, and Texas was born. Thanks, Chuck.

  106. Bill says:

    Chuck Norris has had sex with your girlfriend….all of them.

    Chuck Norris played dodgeball once as a youngerster….there were no survivers.

    Nothing is impossible, this is only because Chuck Norris exists.

    All black people allow Chuck Norris to call them nigga.

    Chuck Norris has danced with the devil in the pale moon light.

    The reason E.T. wanted to phone home so bad was because he didn’t want to be the first alien to be killed by a roundhouse.

    Chuck Norris Refers to himself in the thrid person…”Insert Chuck Quote Here” ie…Chuck doesn’t like you, Chuck thinks you should die by way of roundhouse” These are the last words Jimmy Hoffa heard.

  107. pgaz says:

    TODAY
    IN RESPONSE TO THE “RANDOM FACTS” THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

    I’m aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as “Chuck Norris facts.” I’ve seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I’m not quite sure what to make of it. It’s quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, “Against All Odds?” They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, “The Justice Riders,” released this month. I’m very proud of these literary efforts.
    ~ Chuck Norris

    LMAO , trying to make a dollar what a hustler

  108. DSN says:

    A bear once wanted to kill chuck Noriss. All chuck did was show the bear his fist and the bear preceded to eat himself because that would be a less painful death

  109. Dubs says:

    Today’s my Birthday, YAY btw the Chuck Norris stuff is godly,

    Some were good, some were bad, and some people were written by douchebags.

    Anyways i have something to offer.

    During the first couple months of first grade Chuck’s Teacher asked the class to make a collage using things he could find in the classroom, carelessly forgetting to mention that he should not use humans. This story has been retold and edited to be less graphic, it was also titled “Hostel.”

    Good, bad, or what?

  110. Banzi_guy says:

    Come on now people, try to add ORIGINAL Chuck Norris facts, this is not a request, it is a warning, im trying to save you lot from a lot of roundhouse-kick related injuries

  111. Nerobia says:

    A man once tried to prove to Chuck Norris that he was tough by walking thru fire. Chuck Norris used his penis to stir the flames.

    Chuck Norris, the best Gillette can get.

  112. Nerobia says:

    In 1987 baby Jessica did not fall into that well. She angered Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris discovered Family Guy re-runs and became angry there were no new ones. Need we say more?

  113. Swayve says:

    Chuck Norris invented the Caramilk Bar and thus holds the secret. Don’t try to figure it out or you will get a roundhouse kick to the face and he’ll eat the rest of your Caramilk Bar and shove the wrapper up your nose. Then he’ll roundhouse kick you in the nose to make sure it stays there.

  114. kz says:

    -Chuck Norris knows the last number of pie
    -And God said “let there be light”. And Chuck Norris said “say please”

    Hey DSN i think your going to pay for that mistake!!

  115. Dragan says:

    Chuck Norris has not problem with trial or shareware version of some software. He just do roundhouse kick for crack it.

  116. Dragan says:

    Does there exist some web site with similary theme about Steven Seagal? This guy really thinks that he is a god!

  117. etan says:

    one thanksgiving, chuck norris’s wife burnt the turkey. chuck norris left and returned 5 minutes later with a live one. he swallowed it whole. then what came up was a cooked turkey with all the fixings and cranberry sauce. when his wife asked him how he did it he roundhouse kicked her in the face and shouted “NEVER QUESTION THE NORRIS!!!!!!!!!”

  118. Cory says:

    When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

  119. wangstaley says:

    when newton tried to apply his laws of gravity to chuck norris , he smerked and round house kicked him for 15 minutes…….. without touching the ground.

  120. wangstaley says:

    chuck norris is the only person to ever roundhouse kick god in the face and still get into heaven. but he later returned to earth after killing everyone in heaven just by looking at them

    one thing you dont know is that chuck norris was the cause of the tsunami of 2004 just by dipping his beard into the water…. later that day he surfed the tsunami

  121. Joshman says:

    One of Chuck Norris’s many mistresses gave birth to a child. This child had a slight defect in his skin color. We now know this child as The Hulk

  122. shnell says:

    Chuck Norris recently wrote an IQ test, and was declared the most intelligent man on earth. However he scored one mark less than perfect because he didnt understand the word ‘failure’.

  123. SHIFTYMAN says:

    On the 6th day God created Chuck Norris.
    On the 7th day God did not rest, he was knocked unconscious by way of roundhouse kick for not creating Chuck Norris on the first day.

  124. jakey says:

    One day mr. t and Chuck Norris walked into a bar.The bar instantly was vapoorized beacause what level of awesomness can not be contained in one building. Not Original but still awesome

  125. Chris says:

    A child once called Chuck Norris Tim Allen. Chuck threw the child, causing a hole in the ozone layer, yelling after him, “Tim Allen is a tool.”
    There was no angel of death descending upon Egypt. It was Chuck Norris.
    Oil wells are really deposits of Chuck Norris’ pee.
    Chuck Norris is not compared to Zues–Zues is compared to him.
    Chuck Norris has had many children…for breakfast.
    The Black Death was Chuck Norris arriving in Europe.
    Adam and Eve were never banished from Eden–Chuck Norris round-house kicked them out.
    Chuck Norris killed the Greek Gods.
    Chuck Norris’ alter ego is Destruction.
    Chuck Norris will never die–God is afraid of his round-house kicks.
    In the future, there will only be Chuck Norris.

    All original, but pretty bad…

  126. jesus says:

    Chuck covers his Slip ‘n’ Slide with gravel and tears of ten year olds who haven’t reached puberty.

    When Chuck had his first wet dream, he nearly drowned.

  127. Chuck Norris=roundhouse kick to your face says:

    the gods were not resting on the 7th day. They was hiding having just realized they had created Chuck Norris

  128. Chuck Norris=roundhouse kick to your face says:

    Chuck Norris once found a dead goat in the middle of a long, dusty road. Using his powers he brought the goat back to life, then roundhoused it in the face, killing it. Thus proving that Chuck giveth, Chuck taketh away

  129. Chuck Norris=roundhouse kick to your face says:

    the only reason pharoa let the people go was because he learned that Chuck Norris was to be the next plague

  130. Chuck Norris=roundhouse kick to your face says:

    When Chuck Norris deletes files from his computer, he doesnt send them to the recycle bin. He sends them to hell

  131. Chuck Norris=roundhouse kick to your face says:

    At the beginning of time chuck norris had his left testicle removed. It then went on to become what we now call Jupiter

  132. UnlikeLobster says:

    It recently has been determined that there was a fourth, lesser celebrated, wise man present. Chuck Norris presented to the child two gifts: the beard and the roundhouse kick.

  133. taylor says:

    There are so many theories on what happened to the dinosaurs and how they went extinct but only one is correct…they pissed off chuck norris

  134. Kevin Huxford says:

    When the CIA said it was a slam dunk that Iraq had WMDs, it was because there was a Chuck Norris convention in Iraq. Since it was unauthorized, Chuck went to Baghdad to roundhouse kick the city…which is about when we “bombed” Baghdad.

  135. JP says:

    Chuck Norris isn’t a man. A man is Chuck Norris.

    *to remake the original*: When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norrised.

    Chuck Norris does not run for President, The President runs from Chuck Norris.

  136. D FRESH says:

    When asked for his autograph, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his autograph into the man’s chest…..too bad the man died because no one can survive a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, except Chuck Norris

  137. APB says:

    Chuck Norris was in New Orleans last August when he made the tragic decision to have a plate of red beans and rice. The result was Hurricane Katrina.

  138. Joe Joe Snuff Can says:

    chuck norris has his own country on an island in the south pacific called norrisonia, where he is raising clones of himself to roundhouse kick every one of us.

  139. merc says:

    neil armstrong was the first man on the moon. this would not have been possible without the aid of a roundhouse kick courtesy of chuck norris. buzz aldrin followed shortly thereafter.

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