Chuck Norris – the facts

Many of you have probably already seen this in forwarded email form, but it’s actually one of the funnier things I’ve been forwarded. Everything you always wanted to know about Chuck Norris but were afraid to ask. Enjoy.

22 Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Update (12.13.05): Click here to read new original Chuck Norris facts.

UPDATE (Feb. 8, ’06): Click here to see Tony Danza read Chuck Norris facts directly to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wants you to click here to find cool stuff that you can buy featuring Chuck Norris. If you don’t, you might make Chuck Norris mad. You don’t want Chuck Norris mad at you, do you?

 

898 thoughts on “Chuck Norris – the facts

  1. You can get Norris tears. You have to milk his eyes, though, like you would a cobra’s fangs. Of course, Chuck Norris is much more dangerous than any cobra.

  2. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas

    or

    Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

    Crazy chuck norris

  3. Many people think that the moons gravitational pull is what controls the tides. What the authorities do not want you to know is that it is really the power of the bohemith we know as CHUCK NORRIS!!!

  4. At a carnival one year, Chuck Norris rode the ferris wheel. Upon exiting his seat a carnie touched his beard. That carnie is now the manager of a local convenient store. CHUCK NORRIS helping carnies since 1967.

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  6. LOL, I actually found the website that generates random Chuck Norris facts (and you can submit your own). I blogged about it here.

    Here’s a little sample:
    A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.

  7. Once, Chuck Noris built a time machine, went back before the universe existed. God appeared startling Chuck, with a sudden bang he round housed kicked god. And within that bang of a kick the universe was made.

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  9. Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…enough said

    It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it

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  11. The greatest cover up of this century is that Hitler didn’t actually commit suicide in his bunker. He was in fact teabagged to death by chuck Norris

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  13. Chuck Norris doesn’t use a razor to shave in the morning, he roundhouse kicks himself in the face… because the only thing hard enough to cut Chuck Norris, is Chuck Norris.

  14. The sun dont shine on Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris shine on the sun.

    .. and btw Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn!

    Seeeees

  15. Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist.

    Chuck Norris likes to “knit sweaters” in his spare time, and by “knit” I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters” I mean “babies”.

    Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes so he can “accidentally” roundhouse kick kids in the neck.

  16. There are no disabled people, only people who have been briefly thought about by Chuck Norris.

    A little known fact, The second pope actually went through the bible before it was mass produced and replaced the name Chuck Norris with God.

  17. Mcguyver once tried to give Chuck Norris advice on diffusing a bomb. Chuck Norris then disemboweled Mcguyver using a plastic spoon, a wooden nickel, and the left arm of a midget… yes, a live midget.

  18. Pictures of the Berlin Wall falling do not show Chuck Norris on the opposite side, roundhouse kicking the shit out of it.

  19. Ever wondered why Hawaii is so far out in the Pacific? It used to be a small pineapple-producing island 20 miles off the coast of San Diego. During one visit, Chuck Norris ate a bad pineapple…

    The rest, my friends, is history.

  20. Hockey players, football players, soldiers, and yes women, never had to wear pads before chuck norris was born.

  21. A cashier once asked Chuck Norris, “Paper or plastic.” Chuck Norris replied, “If you say so,” and roundhouse kicked her in the face.

  22. Once, between scenes on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, an actor asked Chuck, “Why do you always deliver roundhouse kicks to the bad guys? Why don’t you mix it up?” Norris bit his lip and replied, “Good idea.” Bad idea. After shooting, Chuck asked the man to meet him in the alley behind the studio. Here, Chuck roundhouse kicked the man 37 times in the face, all the while saying, “What now, bitch?”

  23. Chuck Norris was turning blue when he was born. The doctors turned him upside down and slapped his butt.

    Chuck Norris, the first infant to successfully perform a roundhouse kick.

  24. Scruff McGruff once urged Chuck Norris to “take a bit outta crime”

    Chuck Norris promptly decapitated the mutt with his Righteous Beard of Fury.

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  26. Once Gandhi tried to convince Chuck Norris that violence isn’t always the answer. Chuck Norris smiled, then tore out Gandhi’s stomach. Gandhi then fasted for many days.

  27. chuck norris once put a live deer in a head lock and said “say my name” the deer muttered Chuck NORRIS!! actually it wasn’t recognizable but it was pretty good for a deer.

  28. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shower. Dirt is too scared to touch him.

    150,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris related accidents every year.

    Chuck Norris isn’t cool, cool models itself after Chuck Norris.

    When someone sneezes, God says Chuck Bless you.

    Chuck Norris knows the secret to world peace, He just thinks its more fun to kill people

    Someone once told Chuck Norris his hair looked good. He roundhouse kicked him in the face and told him that he made the hair look good.

  29. People often wonder about the origin of Chuck Norris’s cowboy boots… There is no origin, they have always been, and have coexisted with Chuck since the beginning.

    Actual first verse of Bible: “In the beginning, there was the Chuck and the Cowboy boots. And the LORD tried to seperate them, but got a roundhouse-kick to the face.”

  30. Even if you have the oldest black and white 32cm television, all movies and series starring Chuck Norris will come out in High Definition widescreen with Dolby Digital 6.1 channel surround.

  31. The ‘Great Australian Bite’ was formed when Chuck Norris, while on a fishing trip, delivered a roundhouse kick to a great white shark off the South Australian coast while on a fishing trip.

  32. While on a nature trek in Wasington State, Chuck Norris stubbed his toe on a rock and proceeded to deliver the tiny rock a roundhouse. This event is also known as the Mt. St Helens eruption of May 1980.

  33. Chuck Norris’ urine can dissolve a cast iron shotput in fifteen and a half minutes.

    Chuck Norris broke the sound barrier with his body while skydiving in Equador.

    Chuck Norris solo-ed Everest in shorts and a tank-top.

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  35. Chuck Norris invented the ladder rack.

    While filming “Top dog II” in Cuba, Chuck sneezed, we know it as Hurricane Katrina.

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  38. i suppose you guys have heard this one: Steven Hawkings was the only man to outsmart Chuck Norris, he got what he deserved…

  39. Chuck Norris once foucht the Internet. The result is lag.

    Bush started the Iraq war, but only because Chuck told him to.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t invest in Google… Google invests in Chuck Norris.

  40. Chuck norris owns the internet, he didn’t buy it, nor did he invent it, it was a peace offering.

    chuck norris doesn’t use a phone. He just screems out the window till he gets who/what he wants.

    Chuck Norris is the Presiden of the USA, bush is just his pet chimp.

  41. A deal was once made between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee during the filming of Enter the Dragon where Bruce would defeat Chuck in a fight. No one knows the conditions of that deal but Mr. Lee died “mysteriously” soon after leaving behind only one witness who claims there was a flash of light and a single roundhouse kick. that witness is now dead. by reading this, you have become a threat to Chuck Norris. if you cant see him right now, you may already be dead.

  42. If you have a dollar and Chuck Norris has a dollar… Chuck Norris would round house kick you and take your dollar.

  43. “May the Chuck Norris be with you”

    “For instant ass kicking…Just add Chuck Norris”

    “Everyone is entitled to their own Chuck Norris ass kicking”

    “Chuck Norris never asks questions ..he just breaks necks”

    WWCND- “What Would Chuck Norris Do”

    “If at first you don’t succeed …call Chuck Norris you fuckn pussy”

  44. the true story of how the ninja turtles came into existence is that chuck norris ate a live turtle….. when he shit, the turtle was now 6 ft tall and a master in martial arts!!!!!!

  45. I once roundhouse kicked a woman in the vagina, because she didn’t give me correct change.

    I punched my way out of my mothers womb, shortly thereafter I grew a beard.

    I can make a woman climax by saying “booya”

    I dont sleep. I wait.

    One time I roundhouse kicked someone so hard, my foot broke the sound barrier, sending me back in time, again, where I killed Amelia Earhart as she was flying across the atlantic.

    I still haven’t gotten one jeopardy question wrong, Jesus has missed two.

    Helen Keller told me her favorite color was Chuck Norris…I proceeded to roundhouse kick her in the face…actually that never happened at all.

    Im a ghost now, I died because a man once asked me if my real name was “Charles” I did not reply, I just stared at him until I exploded.

  46. I lost my virginity before my dad did.

    I took my own virginity, and I’ll sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity,” then you are dead wrong…DEAD WRONG

    I was the 4th wiseman, I brought Jesus the gift of beard, he wore it ’till his death. The other wisemen jealous, decided to omit me from the bible, they all died of Roundhouse kick related deaths.

    I don’t have AIDS, but I give it to people anyway.

    After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the Atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Instead of sending me. His reasoning, the bomb was more “humane”

  47. According to Newton’s laws of physics, I can Roundhouse kick you in the face yesterday.

    Today I pulled a bus full of children teetering on the edge of a cliff to safety. As they were all cheering, I became very angry, I yelled “I’M NOT YOUR SAVIOR!” and roundhouse kicked the bus off the cliff.

    My wife once asked “how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood”
    I ripped out her throat and screamed “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN MY PRESENCE…DON’T FUCK WITH CHUCK!” realizing the irony of this two years and five minutes later I laughed so hard and loud everyone within two miles went deaf.

  48. The story of how the first rino was born started with Chuck Norris having sex with a pack of wild hippos. Soon after he began to roundhouse kick them all in the face.

  49. I once built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. I met all three bullets with my beard and deflected them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement

    I once shot a German plane by pointing at it and yelling “BANG!”

  50. Once my wife burned the turkey on thanksgiving, I told her not to worry, I went in the backyard, and came back five minutes later with a turkey. I then ate it whole, and then threw it up a few seconds later fully cooked with cranberry sauce. When my wife asked me how I had done it I gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said “Never question chuck norris”

  51. To prove to you guys that it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. I smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 variations of cancer, only to rid them of my body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that Lance Armstrong.

  52. Before each filming of “Walker: Texas Ranger” I’m injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit my strength and mobility, in order to lower the fatality rate of the actors I fight.

  53. I sold my soul to the devil for my rugged good looks and unparralleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction I roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took my soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should’ve saw that coming. We now play poker every wednesday night.

  54. Qui Qui, zee french did not surrender to America in WW2, we surrendered to Chuck Norris in fear that he would round house kick us in the face then eat our livers.

  55. Chuck Norris once round house kicked his son for misbehaving. He hit him so hard it killed him. He brought him back to life with his powers and round house kicked him again for dying.

  56. chuck norris once helped an old lady across the street. When a car did not stop, he roundhoused kicked it thus creating the first mini. When the old lady thanked him he roundhoused kicked her for good measure.

  57. One time, Chuck Norris saw an ant walking off of his California ranch with a bread crumb. He proceeded to deliver a vicious roundhouse kick to the ant’s head. The ant disintegrated. The land surrounding the ant is now referred to as the San Andreas Fault.

  58. the last person to survive a roundhouse kick by chuck norris was michael jackson. then he turned white

  59. After getting severely pissed off from hearing a Nickelback song on the radio, Chuck Norris had sex with Barbara Walters, thus creating the Tazmanian Devil.

  60. Contrary to common belief, there indeed was a man on the moon, until Chuck Norris got jealous and roundhouse kicked him in the heart…

  61. Chuck Norris’ sperm is so potent that he has to wear lead underwear to avoid impregnating every women is his vicinity.

  62. When Chuck Norris was in elementary school, he had to write an assay on ‘courage’. He wrote two words; “Chuck Norris”.

  63. Chuck norris originally had a twin brother. Unfortunately chuck norris is incapable of loving anyone but chuck norris, so he swiftly roundhouse kicked his brother to death while in the womb. He even managed to plant evidence that his mother had caused the premature death.

  64. Chuck Norris has in some way played a part in all of the natural disasters this earth has ever seen. For this reason, Chuck Norris is also known as “Mother Nature”. On a related note, Chuck Norris has found a way to simultaneously breathe and exhale, thus creating the tornado. Four out of five people agree this is true. That fifth person was killed by Chuck Norris.

  65. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football histor

  66. Chuck Norris stood before a judge and asked him, “If my balls were on your chin, where do you think my penis would be?” The judge looked at him questioningly, and Chuck Norris followed with, “No further questions.”

  67. JCVD is actually a failed attempt to clone Chuck Norris. Unfortunately, it is impossible to clone pure destruction.

  68. In a street fight, Chuck Norris got scratched in the back by his oponent. Chuck got so pissed that he responded by jumping and disapearing into the air. Seven hours later at 3a.m. Chuck landed on the fool breaking him, and the house for that matter, in two.

  69. chuck norris once crushed a watermelon with his toe soon after this there became green grapes. This chuck norris stuff is halerious i hope this gets on i took a w while to think it up

  70. Shaq became a cop so he could have a badge just like chuck norris chuck norris than roundhouse kicked to the ankle and shack missed the first month of the season

  71. Chuck norris once beat michael jordan in a basketball game soon after micheal tried playing baseball out of shame.

  72. Chuck Norris’ belt buckle is rumored t be the source of his power. In fact, Chuck Norris was born with belt buckle and cowboy boats already on his ripped body.

  73. Chuck Norris has been struck by lightening 46 times. To celebrate his might, Chuck Norris beat God himself in an arm wrestling contest prior to beating him at thumb wrestling.

  74. No one has ever made eye contact with Chuck Norris. Attempting to do so is asking for a roundhouse kick.

  75. Chuck Norris was once drafted by the Arizona Cardinals. Chuck Norris had to be cut when it was clear to the coaches that Chuck Norris kept killing players during practice.

  76. Some dumbass gave Chuck Norris a sweater for Christmas. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked this person to death and then regifted the sweater.

  77. Chuck Norris is not himself until he consumes a case of man juice. Man juice is what Chuck Norris calls beer and/or kitten blood.

  78. Chuck Norris was once asked why Walker Texas Ranger was cancelled. He immediately took off his shirt and started doing situps. There is no further information at this time.

  79. If Chuck Norris asks you to break a 20 and you don’t have change. You damn well better robb a bank or something – you have a roundhouse kick headed up your ass.

  80. When Chuck Norris used to go trick or treating with his son, he did not wear a costume, but would ring the door bell and wait while crouching in a position ready to attack. One time, an old woman opened the door and asked politely, “what are you supposed to be?” Naturally, Chuck was offended that the woman did not recognize his trademark face and proceeded to roundhouse kick her in the chest. After her body exploded with one kick, Chuck left the body, grabbed all of the candy, and fled. To this day, everyone in Chuck’s hometown leaves their Halloween candy outside in a bowl.

  81. Chuck Norris once stumbled upon a website with random facts about himself. Although he was flattered, he sent an email to each person who submitted an untrue fact. Upon opening the email, a leather cowboy boot came through each computer screen and roundhouse kicked everyone within a 30 meter radius.

  82. The reason the Americans lost their only war is because Chuck Norris was on vacation in Vietnam in the early 70s, and told the choppers to “pipe it down up there, I’m trying to sleep.?

  83. The Bible Belt is simply where illiterate Native Americans experienced the shock waves from a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, automatically learned to read, and immediately built churches and turned to the Holy Scriptures for spiritual comfort.

  84. Had Chuck Norris played Neo in “The Matrix” series rather than Keanu Reeves, they would’ve found Zion halfway into the first movie.

  85. When in combat and under heavy fire, Chuck Norris wears a bullet proof vest. Not because he’s afraid the bullets will kill him, but because he’s a little ticklish.

  86. During the Second Punic War, Hannibal and the Phoenicians used two animals to cross the dangerous Alps: an elephant and Chuck Norris’s beard.

  87. The Antichrist’s mother is still waiting for the only man who’s man enough to father her child: Chuck Norris. Lucky for us, the world hasn’t ended because the Antichrist’s mother is a 400-pounder, and Chuck Norris likes ‘em with a little meat.

  88. A class that all Navy Seals must pass teaches them to shout a Chuck Norris one liner before killing a terrorist.

  89. The Titanic didn’t sink because it hit an iceberg…it sunk because it hit chuck norris while he was swimming laps

  90. Chuck Norris was once hired as a farm hand on a Dude Ranch in Texas. To try and pull a practical joke on Chuck the owner instruced Chuck to go out and milk the “cows” in the morning, well knowing that Ranch only had bulls. Chuck returned to the owner 5 minutes later with the Bull’s bloodied balls in his hand, force fed them down the owner’s throat, and delivered a roundhouse kick so devastating that the owner’s niece felt the blow. Chuck Norris then stated “Don’t ever attempt to make a joke out of Chuck Norris!”

  91. knock knock, whos there, chuck norris!

    chuck norris has a black belt…..in keeping it real!

    i like chuck norris,
    chuck norris likes me

    chuck norris likes shoes

    chuck norris once made love to oprah…… then ate a wheel of cheese….blind folded

  92. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

    Chuck Norris was the 4th wiseman. He gave baby Jesus the gift of the beard. The other wiseman were so jealous they had Chuck excluded from the bible. Strangely, the other wiseman died of unknown roundhouse-kick related deaths

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man so hard that his fooot broke the speed of light and killed Emelia Earhardt over the pacific ocean

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK asassination deflecting all 3 bullets with his beard. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t shave like you or I but instead delivers repeated roundhouse kicks to the face because only Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris.

  93. zardok, u couldn’t be anymore truer . . holy hell chuck is friggen amazing, hes the reason i wake up in the morning, lol (just kidding)

    what in god’s name is happy fun ball?

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  95. Chuck Norris’s urine was the main ingredient in Balco’s desgner steroids, therefore Chuck Norris is actually the alltime home run king

  96. Chuck Norris once single-handedly pulled 14 children out of a burning building. When people began cheering he grew angered, and proceeded with throwing 13 of those children back into the fire, thus distinguising it. He then roundhouse kicked the last child into a car, causing a massive explosion and destroying everything within a 13 mile radius. He then let out an ear shattering laugh and said, “FEAR ME, FOR I AM CHUCK NORRIS!”

  97. chuck norris once was stranded on an island in the middle of now where on this island he practice roundhouse kicking grizzly bear. he finally got sick of the island because he killed all of the grizzly bears which made chuck very angry so chuck used his anger and said ” I AM CHUCK NORRIS IF SOME ONE DOESNT HELP ME I WILL ROUND HOUSE KICK THEM IN THE FACE” surely enough every body in a 3990 mile radious flew over to chuck norris and saved him but in actual fact chuck norris roundhouse kicked every one in the plane and flew it back to the set of walker texas ranger because of his training he roundhouse kicks every bad guy on the set. it is no acting either he seriously round house kicked and killed every bad guy on the show

  98. Santa Claus didn’t invent christmas, it was Chuck Norris way of showing he needed one day of rest a year.

  99. Chuck Norris does not watch television. Television watches Chuck Norris.

    Although anyone can threaten to beat up the ocean, Chuck Norris is the only being capable of ACTUALLY BEATING UP the ocean.

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  101. Chuck Norris once went to a casino and placed a wooden nickel on a blackjack table. The dealer raised his hand to stop him, but Chuck quickly pulled his arm down and won $4000 on a slot machine.

  102. Chuck Norris invented flying but was too selfish to give his great power to the humans, he gave animals the power.

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  104. Chuck Norris once almost lost a starring contest once to Robert Gulleay out of the shear fact the Robert Gulleay was Passed out in a drunken stuper with his eyes open, The intencity was so great that the world spontainiasly combusted only to have Chuck Norris roundhouse kick it back into the 1990s. Welcome to the 90′s.

  105. Chuck Norris was once hired as a farm hand on a Dude Ranch in Texas. To try and pull a practical joke on Chuck the owner instruced Chuck to go out and milk the “cows? in the morning, well knowing that Ranch only had bulls. Chuck returned with bull’s milk.

  106. AS A YOUNG CHILD, I ONCE DRANK A CUP OF CHUCK NORRIS’ URINE!!!! SOMETIMES I ALMOST FEEL AS BADASS AS CHUCK!!! SIGNED, SUPERMAN!

  107. “mel hacah ne kir du biska chuck norris”—

    translation: When they found me in a hole in Iraq, it wasn’t because I was scared of the troops, I heard they had sent Chuck Norris to look for me”.

    –Saddam Hussein

  108. Those aren’t stars you see in the sky at night–they are the pearly white teeth of every man Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked in the face.

  109. When the Boogeman goes to sleep every night… he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.. chuck norris has not had to pay his taxes ever.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice

    Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    Chuck Norris has sex on the first date. Always.

    Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris!!!

  110. Chcuk Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

  111. Someone once said your looking good to chuck norris, in return he roundhouse kicked him and said “good looks me, bitch”

  112. Chuck Norris doesn’t refer to his penis as Chuck Norris Jr. he refers to it as Chuck Norris Sr. because his penis is in fact 5 in. taller than Chuck Norris

  113. it would take chuck norris only one dead baby to cover a 20 x 20 foot wall becuase he can throw a dead baby that hard.

  114. if chuck norris was to ever wait for something, time itself would speed up until it suited chuck norris.

  115. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

  116. Chuck Norris does not drink “Guinness Balck and Tans.” He drinks used motor oil and pure gasoline.He also delivers “Guinness Black and Blues” with a roundhouse kick to the face.

  117. Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

  118. Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t jesuss birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus’ birthday

  119. I understand Chuck Norris is bisexual. Too bad Keanu Reeves did’nt know the price he’d pay to have Chuck teach him how to fight in “The Matrix” –he should have seen it coming though , after all Chuck knows no boundaries when it comes to appreciating beauty .

  120. China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

  121. Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.

  122. when chuck norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck,?excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole?. Chuck norris turned towards the man and said, im chuck norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by chuck norris, chuck norris roundhose kicked him in the face anyways

  123. Chuck Norris did not play for his high school football team, Chuck Norris WAS his high school football team.

  124. Once a police officer pulled Chuck Norris over for speeding. The police officer walks up to the car and says “Guess how fast you were going?” Somehow Chuck Norris roundhouse kickes him in the face. Chuck Norris dosent guess he knows.

  125. If I had a dime for everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked some one in the face, Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick me in the face and take my dimes.

  126. Jest if we must, about this outstanding and admirable man, but just keep the things you just read in mind. (one step above you here) .

    There is absolutely no doubt about it; Chuck Norris is the entertainment world’s greatest guy.

    He’s a man that stands far above all those Hollywood tin-horn jokers.

    He’s strong- – yes- -body, mind and soul. He’s also a great humanitarian.

    He deserves respect.

    BTW-: did you know he has 7 children ?

  127. Chuck Norris was the model for Superman, but when he was asked to shave his beard he delivered a roundhouse kick that was “faster than a speeding bullet”, and “more powerful than a locomotive”.

  128. There was once a rumour that Chuck Norris was beaten by a pirate… but in fact it was a rumour created by Chuck Norris to lure more pirates to him.

  129. Chuck Norris shaves by roundhouse kicking himself in the face cause the only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris

  130. once a blind man bumped into chuck norris on the street. Chuck said to the man “do you know who i am?” “i’m chuck norris”. the sheer mention of his name cured the man from blindness. Unfortunately the first, last and only thing the man saw was the fatal roundhouse kick that chuck delivered.

  131. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

  132. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

  133. Chuck Norris is currently applying to be on the reality show Survivor..not as a contestant, but as the obsticle the contestants have to survive!

    We never actually dropped an Atomic bomb on Japan. Instead Truman told Chuck Norris that the Japanese were planning to secretly shave his beard. Chuck volunteered to be dropped on Japan twice. When Chuck found out about the lie, he roundhouse kick Truman in is kidney. To cover up the incident, Truman’s staff invented to atomic bomb story and told the U.S. he suffered from polio.

  134. Chuck Norris once got in an argument with his father. Instead of talking out their differences Chuck traveled back in time to 10 minutes before he was conceived. Killed his father with a devastating round house kick, then knocked up his mother himself.

  135. Similar to Willie Wonka putting golden tickets in his candybars, Chuck Norris decided to place random pieces of fresh meat in ipod boxes across the country to mark the next vitcim of a roundhouse kick.

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  137. Chuck Norris calls Andy Milinokis a pea-head….punches every bee in the face….then round house kicks Bruce Lee off Andy’s head

  138. Chuck Norris caught the Road-Runner Wile E Coyote couldn’t……Then round housed kicked Wile E. in the face, said ” Beep Beep Mother-F’Nocker ” and took off in a cloud of diamond dust.

  139. I once fought Chuck Norris in a Tourney. He was nothing and I beat him to a pulp. If you don’t believe me contact me in Tennessee @ 1-800-328-7448. CHuck is a wimp and I cahllenge him again. This time I will tie one hand behind my back!!!!

  140. Chuck Norris once jumped from the Sears Tower and survived. The impact caused an earthquake reading 9.7 on the richter scale killing everyone in the 20 mile radius.

  141. Alright kids, you’ve had your fun, now it’s time to find some other subject or passtime, and lay off Mr. Norris.

    It’s gotten so your “jokes” are rarely funny and it’s becoming tiresome. You just are not witty enough to come up with anything unique and really, really amuseing. And instead of entertaining people you are getting many of them disgusted and pissed.

    Read the post about Chuck Norris and his records and accomplishments again, and think hard before you rattle off a lot of insulting shit about him again.

    Stuff a sock in it ; you are’nt funny anymore.

    Chuck Norris is one of the nicest guys ever in just about every way a man can be. Read his books.

    HE DESERVES RESPECT.

  142. Bruce Lee did not really die of a brain adema. Chuck Norris killed him because his roundhouse kick was inferior.

  143. chuck norris doesnt eat, food tells him how it tastes.

    chuck norris met jesus once, god called the cops.

    chuck norris doesnt write books, books write about chuck norris

    chuck norris doesnt take his shirts off he burns them off.

    chuck norris lives in a haunted house and the ghosts tell stories about him.

    chuck norris’ beard disappears under blacklights

  144. sidekicks starring chuck norris was possible the best film ever created. he should earn some sort of ninja super-warrior award for it.

  145. ‘Ticked’, whom posted post 345 above, is really him. Its really the Norris! He is going to drive his golf cart made of human skulls to each one of our houses and kill us all! All the while plugging his books…..

  146. One day, Chuck Norris happened to cross the road, upon doing so, he was hit by a car. Moments later, the news flashed that Princess Diana died of a car crash.

    On the side of Chuck Norris’ boot, it is written, “One kick to rule them all…”

    Long ago, Chuck Norris was attacked by a Native American, because of his cowboy attire… Chuck Norris proceeded to roundhouse kick the indian, and decided to find the indian’s family, then friends, then acquaintances. Historians called this massacre the, “Trail of Tears.”

    The Terminator told Chuck Norris, “I’ll be back.” The Terminator never returned.

  147. Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and has a drink. A man turns to him and ask, “You’re Chuck Norris aren’t you?” Chuck looked at the man, and then got punched in the face.

  148. Chuck Norris is a wonderful man……read his books…. ( Chuck Norris told me to post this or he’ll kill me……He’ll prolly do it anyway…..Nice Knowing ya )

  149. While he would be embarrassed to admit it today, Chuck Norris was somewhat of a hippie back in the sixties; he once punched Timothy Leary in the throat, and he even killed people at Woodstock!

  150. As the first Westerner awarded an eighth-degree black belt in Tae Kwan Do, Chuck Norris is an inspiration to white children, showing them that, with proper mental, spiritual and physical discipline, non-Asians can master Eastern martial art traditions too. Norris also inspires Asian children – inspires them to stay the fuck away or get their little Kung-Pao asses stomped. WAAAA!!!!

  151. Using only a couple of ordinary roofing nails and his fist as a hammer, Chuck Norris was able to convert a live bald eagle into a badass hood ornament for his monster truck.

  152. One part philanthropy, one part court-ordered community service – for about ten hours each week Chuck Norris volunteers his cock ’n balls to the Safari Land Petting Zoo in Jacksonville, Florida.

  153. Chuck Norris once bought a copper-metal red Ferrari to match his beard . . . and immediately proceeded to beat it with his fists until it was a flattened heap of scrap metal. To this day he is still making payments on that car.

  154. Chuck Norris is a card carrying organ donor, and requests that after his death, his unusually solid body be used as an attack dummy at one of his many Tae Kwan Dojos.

  155. C.N. secrets never before disclosed :

    Keanu Reeves lives in fear of Mr. Norris. Not because he’s afraid “Walker” might chuck him, but because he might- – - – - him. ?????

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  157. Bob Barker once tried to tell Chuck Norris to spade or nuder his pets. Chuck instantly responded by a roundhouse kick to the head and followed by banging every female contestant.

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  159. Jack and Jill ran up the hill, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jack down and made sweet barbaric love to Jill, then they both went home crying.

  160. A girl once came to Chuck Norris’ house selling chocolate bars. Chuck Norris bought three “Mint Chocolate” bars, then delivered a roundhouse kick to her face.

  161. Ben and Jerry’s Chucklate Norris Nut is chock full of peanuts genetically engineered to kill you, even if you’re not normally allergic. Nevertheless, Norris’s tireless product endorsements have kept it one of their best selling flavors.

  162. A movie about the life of Chuck Norris is being made. It will be called “Walker Texas Roundhouse Masacer”

  163. Chuck Norris’s Toilet is made of Diamond and Kevlar. It is the only material that can withstand the explosive force of his sphincter muscles.

  164. Chuck Noris Once Ordered a big Mac at burger king and got one.

    Chuck Noris sued Burger King for not putting razor blades in his burger.

    God wanted 10 days to create the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6.

    God said “let there be light”, Chuck norris said Say please”

  165. Chuck Norris does not study martial arts, martial arts is the study of Chuck Norris.

    Space is expanding in a worthless attempt to escape Chuck Norris.

  166. There have actually been 5 intelligent species in the universe aside from humans, each capable of destroying the earth. Fortunately for us, each one of them pissed off Chuck Norris.

  167. Chuck Norris can lick his own elbow.

    Chuck Norris can make you lick your own elbow.

    Not even Chuck Norris can kick his own ass.

    Santa Claus asks Chuck Norris for presents. Bad Santas get roundhouse kicks to the face. Good Santas get roundhouse kicks to the face. And a juicer.

    Chuck Norris is so manly, even his penis has a beard.

  168. chck norris once found another man named chuck norris and killed him for having sex with is wife, saying “nobody has sex with chuck norris’ wife except chuck norris”

  169. How did all this blasphemy get started ? I don’t know exactly how to take it, but I have a bad feeling about it somehow.

    What I’d like to know is why Chuck Norris ? Did you ever stop to think that all this may actually hurt him ? I wish I could put a stop to it. I mean, when is it going to end ? I’m hoping soon.

    Are you poking fun at him because you think he’s a hack or a conceited ass with a big fist–? Or are you saying all these things as a fan who has a lot of faith in his example of the power of one man ?

    I hope your exaggerations are complements, not insults. I can’t understand why anyone would want to make Chuck look bad. He’s such a decent and generous guy- -a real person. The last thing he would be is a phoney. He’s a person to admire.

    Can’t you find somebody else for a whipping post ? How about that filthy, obnoxious , slime bag , degenerate Howard Stern ? He’s making millions by toilet talking, and he dfeserves evry bad thing that we could possibly think of to call him. I hope it would ruin him too. He’s a bastard.

    Anyhow, how about for every goofy thing you say about Chuck, you say something good too ?

  170. Son of a gun, I knew I saw a Chuck Norris post somewhere. I knew I wasn’t that original. Surprisingly, all the facts I listed are different from your.

    I think it’s because Chuck Norris willed it that way.

  171. Come on big online heros, answer some of the questions I wrote in my 399 post ! Do it with a straight face .

    You are cheap and cowardly to have fun at his expense. GROW UP !! And have a heart.

    One thing you ARE right about though: he’s super strong…and not just in his kicking ,punching and clever moves dynamics !

    Think about these things !!!!

    Now Howard Stern deserves to have his lights put out- -kill that slime-sucking , foul-mouthed son of a b ! Compared to Chuck Norris he is a lowly inferior human being- – and may influence some people to be more like him–and that would be hideous. I’d like to see Chuck pull that rat’s nest hair of Stern’s right out of his skull. Now THAT should give us somethinmg to laugh about !

  172. YOU MUST READ!

    A TRUE BUT SWEET BITTER STORY

    Sadly a 71 year old nun, Sister Mary of Holy Bleeding Heart Redeemer, approached and greeted Chuck Norris from behind with a gentle hand to the shoulder. Chuck responded with the customary roundhouse kick to the face. Fortunately the thrust was so it sent her back 50 years making her 21 years old. Unfortunately she was decapitated.

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  174. Ticked, you shouldn’t take us seriously. From what I’m concerned, our jokes could just as well been directed at someone else. But I honestly can’t think of anyone else worthy of being discussed in so much detail on the net. I mean, where else on earth will you find a more potent weapon than Chuck’s roundhouse kick. He is fucking awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  175. Chuck Norris never reads, he just stares the book down until the book gives up the information.

    and

    Howard Stern has no roundhouse kick, no awards, no beard, and no interesting qualities. ~FIN

  176. Hitchhiker : Thank you for your positive and somewhat healing words ! (post 408).

    A few teasing and fun remarks about Chuck Norris can be tolerated, as long as they are halfway witty and intelligent, but to make a mockery of him is belittleing and he does’nt deserve to be debased like that.

    A little funning is okay, but keep it in his favor. Also keep this in mind : when it comes to Chuck “Walker” Norris, he may pack a punch but he is still more of a helper than a hurter.

    P.S. – as far as Stern and a beard goes, if Howard did have one you would’nt want to touch it ; it’s full of nits, and contaminating. UGH !!

  177. Natalie Wood drowned because Chuck Norris promised her that all wood floats.

    Chuck Norris is the answer to What’s eating Gilbert Grape.

    Chuck Norris does not actually own a barbecue. He rips off his shirt and sunbathes with the meat on his chest.

  178. Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie… How many fuckin licks he wants.

  179. Ticked: Well said. I’ve been doing karate for about a year now and I’m telling you it’s way harder than it looks. Those guys are supper fit and it takes a lot of self discipline and training to get to the top.

    I honestly think that most people rip of Chuck Norris due to the roll he played in Walker Texas Ranger. The show is truly pathetic, don’t you think?

  180. Chuck Norris is like a train, he stops for no one

    Why did Chuck Norris cross the road? To round house kick the chicken in the face.

  181. Hitchhiker :

    You say ” “Walker ;Texas Ranger” was “pathetic” don’t you think ?”

    Do I think it was pathetic ? Hell no ! It had all the makings of a good hour’s entertainment – there was action, humor,good plots, romance, and each story made a point; usual somekind of a lesson to put across.

    A Texas Ranger is someone to admire; he’s a dependable law enforcer; a ledgendary hero etc. , so he’s not just some imaginary type of role model; he’s real and I can’t see anything funny about wearing that title for a show , tv etc. It was a good idea.

    Chuck played the part very well- -he’s a strong, silent type ; as Teddy Roosevelt said “speak softly and carry a big stick” That’s “Walker” ; as a matter of fact that’s Chuck Norris too.

    All the characters were quite likable ; “CD” was absolutely lovable.

    The only time I felt myself losing patience with the show is when they brought in all those other characters; each one of them a-kicking and a socking away at everything within arm’s reach–somehow when they started having 4 or 5 differant karate kids working the cases with him, it sort of took the edge off Chuck’s performances . The show should have focused on him and his victories etc.

    Ahyhow , tell me why you say it was “pathetic”

  182. Charles Bronson roundhouse kicked the Charles out of Charles Norris, and that is why he is called Chuck Norris, and hates Charles Bronson with all his heart

  183. Contrary To popular belief The Right Brothers were not the first to fly a plane, Chuck Noriss in fact roundhouse kicked them for a mile.

    AND!

    The American Dollar Originally read “In Chuck We Trust,” But religious conservatives protested, and Chuck relented only after roundhouse kicking them all in the face.

    ONE MORE!

    The First Emperor of Rome was NOT Julius Ceaser, Chuckus Norissius Maximus, known for subverting the tides of Germanic Celts with only a single roundhouse kick.

  184. During The Salem Witch trials; people argued should witches be burned at the stake or subjected to a roundhouse kick to the face delivered by Chuck Noriss. They Chose the more Humane Route.

    Scientists argued faster than light travel, until Chuck Noriss roundhouse kicked one of them in the face.

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  187. Walker Texas Ranger, only in tv land would a police officer be able to whip out a brand new $50,000 car to be shot up in almost every episode.

  188. Also, I think my brain might explode from suspense if i see one more person put into a ‘sleeper’.

  189. If you walk up to Chuck Norris and ask him what time it is, he’ll say “Two seconds til” and when you reply, “Two seconds til what?” he’ll roundhouse kicks you in the face.

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  192. In a recent television interview with Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris responded to every one of the interviewer’s questions by pointing to his belt buckle which read “NOT MY PROBLEM”. after about 5 minutes of this, Chuck Norris said, “Interview over,” and roundhoused the reporter. Witnessing this, the cameraman screamed, “You killed him!” Chuck Norris pointed at his belt buckle and flew away.

  193. Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

  194. Once, during a characteristic rampage, Chuck Norris stopped to ponder the meaning of it all: could there be more to this life than indiscriminate free-form homicide? Just then, someone in the massive pile-up bit him on the shoulder, and, with a swift neck-twist retaliation, it all came rushing back to him why he truly loves what he does. For the sake of kill-efficiency Norris vowed to never be introspective again.

  195. Chuck got something like a 1200 on his SAT. It would have been higher if he didn’t spend so much time kicking nerd ass during the test.

  196. Chuck Norris has a deal with Nokia, all he has to say is phone and a phone appears beside his ear and dials automatically.

  197. barney told chuck norris he loved him. chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face. Barney was mysteriuosly canceled.

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  199. Chuck Norris does not kill the average man. The average man kills himself out of respect towards Chuck Norris.

  200. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? Well actually if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
    - Quote by Travis Dultz 1/9/05

  201. CN was a member of the Crips and the Bloods at the same time, and frequently used to fight himself in LA’s Gangland wars in the 80′s. It goes without saying that the fights were always brutal, and Chuckles always won.

  202. In his grade-school years Chuck Norris was mercilessly teased for his love of justice, effortless way with women and swift murder-kicks. It got so bad he was forced to transfer schools. But Norris eventually overcame his handicaps and beat all odds by winning the Oscar for Best Shirtless Acting in ‘Delta Force 2’.

  203. chuck norris was never born. he roundhouse kicked his way out of his mothers whom and proceded on kicking the rest of the doctors to.

  204. Chuck Norris didn’t appreciate the title of the book “Excel for dummies” when he ordered it from Amazon. Nevertheless, Norris found it was the most straightforward guide to learning this spreadsheet tool that he was using to collate a list of all the women he has slept with. Norris got up to 9th grade before he realised that Excel is limited to 65,536 rows.

  205. From everyone- -to the last Television

    Cowboy ; the guy in the black Stetson hat :

    EVERYDAY WE WAKE UP

    THEN WE START TO BREAKUP

    THINKING CHUCK MIGHT LEAVE US ALL FOR GOOD

    CHUCK WER’E WAITING FOR YOU

    HOW WE ALL ADORE YOU

    WE WISH YOU’D COME AND SEE US IF YOU COULD.

    THE BAD GUYS NEED A PASTE-ING

    TIME IS SURELY WASTE-ING

    YOU GAVE US LAW AND ORDER AND A PRAYER

    YOU TAUGHT ‘EM WRONG FROM RIGHT

    MADE THEM SEE THE LIGHT

    WE LOVE YOU ‘CAUSE WE KNOW YOU REALLY CARE

    THEY LISTENED WHEN YOU SPOKE

    THEY KNEW YOU DID’T JOKE

    THEY HAD FAITH YOU’D ALWAYS FIND A WAY

    OUR CITIES NEED A WALKER

    NOT JUST SOME BIG TALKER

    TO HELP THE KIDS AND WIDOWS EVERY DAY !

    Texas and true believers
    True Believers

  206. Every time Chuck Norris reads bad poetry on the Internet, another nursing home, orphanage or hospital is destroyed.
    Nice going Ticked.

  207. Chuck Norris is unfamiliar with the concept of toilet tissue. His fiber-rich diet of bran muffins, asian children and granite ensures he snaps off clean. Every time.

  208. from Chucks website…

    IN RESPONSE TO THE “RANDOM FACTS” THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

    I’m aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as “Chuck Norris facts.” I’ve seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I’m not quite sure what to make of it. It’s quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, “Against All Odds?” They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, “The Justice Riders,” released this month. I’m very proud of these literary efforts.
    ~ Chuck Norris

  209. René Déscartes was in a private class with his instructor in philosophy, Chuck Norris, who taught him the axiom, “I kick, therefore I am”, but unfortunately René misheard. Philosophy may have turned into a much more violent field of study if René had listened more closely.

  210. scholars maintain recieving a roundhouse kick from chuck norris is comparable to the force of an atomic bomb upon impact, unfortunately studies cannot be conducted because consecutive norris blows would cause the universe to implode

  211. Chuck norris once heard Vin Diesel was tougher than he was. Enraged Chuck began a cross country jog from Texas to California and confronted Vin. It is not known exactly what happened but Immeidately following the confrontation Vin appeared in the movie the Pacifier, working for free. Vin has not appeared in any movies since but is scheduled to be a guest on the critically acclaimed sitcom “Days of our Lives”

  212. they asked chuck noriss:

    What would you do if three gangsters atacked you?

    chuck noriss answered:

    i would run because i would save three lifes in that way.

  213. After the U.S. invaded Iraq the only weapons of mass destruction found were Chuck Norris and a pair of tight fitting jeans.

  214. Chuck Norris is 74,688 years old, this is because the grim reaper got side-kicked in the neck and never came back for more.

  215. The craters on the surface of the moon date back to the first time Chuck Norris stepped into a batting cage.

  216. Chuck Norris has five children whose names are:
    - Van Damme
    - Arnold Schwarzenegger
    - Clint Eastwood
    - Steven Seagal
    - Joe Pesci

  217. One while on a vacation in germany, a strand of chuck Norris’ hair fell off. A scientist had taken it back to his lab and created a genetic clone from the small strand of DNA hair, creating a world class body builder and fighter. Later called Arnold Shchwarzeneger…

  218. gronkinator’s facts about chuck

    The dinosaurs are extinct because when Chuck Norris was a growing boy, he ate them for lunch. All of them. In one sitting. Scientists have recently discovered prehistoric ash in the crater in mexico, revealing that this was not created by a meteor, but was in fact Chuck Norris’s fire pit for this meal.

    in an average day, Chuck Norris:

    kills 74 and a half people
    sleeps with 120 women
    eats two large automobiles
    saves the world thrice, and
    decimates a small city.

    all the superman stories were actually about a real person. today we know this person as Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He wakes up each day at five fifteen in the morining, an hour BEFORE he goes to bed.

    for breakfast, he eats one metric ton of nails. this is to ensure he keeps a high iron content and prove how badass he is.

    for dinner, he eats on african elephant and 5 square miles of vegetation. he washes this down with a tanker ship’s load of crude oil. for desert, he kills some more people.

    Chuck Norris does not brush his teeth with a toothbrush and toothpaste. instead, he uses steel wool and hydrochloric acid.

    all the third world countries were once first world countries. this was before Chuck Norris got to them.

    evil companies are not destroying the rainforest. Chuck Norris eats several miles of it each day to ensure a balanced diet.

    Chuck Norris never exercises. killing large animals with your bare hands is a good enough workout for him.

    Chuck Norris once stopped a runaway locamotive just by glaring at it.

    The earth WAS the center of the universe, untill Chuck Norris was born.

    There was not atomic bomb in Hiroshima. the Lenola Gay dropped Chuck norris into the center of the city. In 3 seconds, he had destroyed every living thing within 15 miles and decided it was time for a lunch break.

  219. Death handed his title over to Chuck Norris. from now on, whenever a person dies, they will not meet a skeletal man. instead, they will meet a foot to the face.

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  221. after going to the best restaurant in the world and eating 27 courses, chuck norris asked the waitress when the appetizers will be served.

    Kryptonite, supermans weakness, is excreted from chucks body after he eats mashed potatoes.

    Chuck Norris can decide the fate of the population of China with a low-pitched whistle

    If you multiply Chuck by 1.5 you get Chuck Norris

    Cambells soup corporation is desperately looking for employees after they tried to organize a deal with Chuck Norris. He let the owner off by only eating his left kidney and small intestine.

    Chuck Norris has a degree in Norrisology.

    Chuck Norris is the only person to ever beat the owl in the tootsie pop commercial by getting to the tootsie roll center in .0597 licks.

    Chuck Norris’ favorite color is Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris spelled backwards is Chuck Norris

    The closest anyone has ever come to killing Chuck Norris is living .005 of a second after they thought of it.

    Human beings are just lesser duplicates of Chuck Norris, who has his own species.

  222. Chuck Norris Fact #238: Chuck Norris Can generate enough energy running on a treadmill for 10 mins to power the United States for 12 hours.

  223. The dinosaurs became extinct after a large meteor was detected headed towards Earth. Chuck Norris figured to save the world, realizing he could stop the meteor by roundhouse-kicking all the dinosaurs at it.

  224. There is no Bermuda Triangle, just where Chuck Norris practices roundhouse kicks. Sometimes planes fly into them.

  225. You know why there are over 2500 unsolved murders per year in the United States? Because no man has ever been able to successfully finger print Chuck Norris.

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  227. Chuck Norris first recorded karate chop and roundhouse kick was executed at birth, the unfortunate recipient was the doctor who had smacked him moments earlier.

  228. Chuck Norris made the best milkshake ever that it brought all the boys to the yard, then he roundhoused kicked them all in the face.

  229. Ashton Kutcher had plans to trick Chuck Norris into getting “Punk’d” on New Years Eve. If you have seen or heard from Ashton, please call (718)555-6875, any information you have on Mr.Kutcher’s whereabouts is greatly appreciated.

  230. Recovered fossils of a T-Rex from the late Jurassic Period revealed what appears to be the fossilized imprint of shoelaces on the Tyrannosaur’s face. Chuck Norris has declined comment.

  231. Santa used to have 19 reindeer and 10 elves that helped him deliver presents on Christmas, until he visited the House of Chuck, whereupon Mr. Norris mistook the occasion as an invasion by the VietCong and resorted to means of extreme prejudice.

  232. Chuck Norris was the last character put in Mortal Kombat 3 but was later removed because of a glich where every button was a roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris later replied THERE WAS NO GLICH

  233. Chuck Norris caused the tsunami by stepping on a spider in Australia, not bcz he doesn’t like spiders but bcz he was jealous of the fact they have 4 sets of legs and can deliver quadruple roundhouse kicks.

  234. The WMDs are in Chuck Norris’ pants, but Bush is too afraid to go get them.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t use luggage; he just stuffs his clothes in a crocodile and hurls the crocodile to the city he’s going to visit.

    Chuck Norris was the walrus.

  235. Chuck Norris knows about this list therefore everyone on this list is being simultaneously roundhoused in the head, because much like god Chuck Norris can be everywhere at once when it comes to roundhouses

  236. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

  237. Scruff McGruff once urged Chuck Norris to “take a bit outta crime.? Chuck Norris promptly decapitated the mutt with his Righteous Beard of Fury.

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  239. Chuck Norris Drop Kicked a pumpkin on haloween once………..It turned into a jack-o-lantern, than exploded sending pumpkin seed shrapnel into the eyes of children

  240. To say that Chuck Norris has fast reflexes would be an understatement to the concept of speed and require a linguist to structure a new term to properly define his speed. Once his reflexes were measured against that of a Cheetah and an Ocelot. Chuck and the cats were locked in a small room. The cats were angered and goaded into attacking Chuck. They had their full complement of claws and Chuck was naked and blindfolded. As hard as the big cats tried they couldn’t get near him. Eventually they tried out and collapsed into a deep slumber. Chuck Norris walked out without a scratch.

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  242. The movie Godzilla is roughly based on and occurrence involving Chuck Norris and some bad sushi.

    The googolplex, the largest nameable number in known mathematics, is being renamed to the norriplex, as it is the closest measurement capable of conveying the speed of a Norris-roundhouse kick.

    Chuck Norris was originally cast to play Doc in Back to The Future, but had to be removed after he decapitated 5 sets of Libyans in the opening scene.

    Chuck Norris is the only Man alive known to have survived sex with Liza Minelli.

    Chuck Norris’ ejaculations are so strong, if he were ever to have sex without a kevlar-coated-condom, it would blow a hole through the back of his partner and destroy whatever building he is in at the time.

    The original Superbowl I took place in 1965, involving the Chicago Bears vs. Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and the bowl was hence renamed to Bloodbowl I.

  243. Chuck was watching tv one day and saw the “Trix are for Kids” commercial, he hated it so much that for the rest of the day he punched every kid in the face he saw and said “Trix are for Chuck Norris!”

  244. If you look for the Chuck Norris entry in any dictionary, you’ll only find a blank page with text that says “Removed for your Safety.”

    Chuck Norris has the power of Greyskull.

    A Chuck Norris-roundhouse kick is the reason wy Sylvester Stallone and Arnold talk the way they do.

    -All mine are 100% Original, biatch.

  245. The timeless movie classic “Clash of the Titans” is actually based on a 1974 Detroit Bar Fight involving Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, God, and all five members of AC/DC.

  246. Chuck Norris can eat pop-rocks while drinking anything Chuck Norris wants to-

    Chuck Norris knows the actual value of PI, we were so far off it mad him laugh – just once. A man witnessed this occurrence. That man was Jimmy Hoffa and he has never been seen again.

    Chuck Norris is responsible for the disappearance of the Heavens Gate Cult.

    The reason Haley’s comet comes around every 76 years is because that is how often Chuck Norris sneaks in a break for sleep.

    Women impregnated by Chuck Norris have a gestation of a mere 9 weeks.

    Chuck Norris knew Bruce Willis was dead the first time he saw The Sixth Sense.

    Chuck Norris can not be linked to Kevin Bacon by Six Degrees of separation. Kevin Bacon is lying, and when Chuck Norris finally gets to the “B”‘s on his list of people to roundhouse kick to death he will certainly pay for this lie.

    Chuck Norris is the worlds largest Prime Number.

    If Chuck Norris draws “an infinite circle” it remains a circle, not a straight line.

    1 + 1 would equal 3 if Chuck Norris wanted it to.

    If you do not believe in the overwhelming powers of The Great Chuck Norris, the terrorists do truly win.

    Chuck Norris threatened to roundhouse kick to death all of Don Kings boxers and put him out of business, the unrelenting fear of this threat is responsible for his haircut as we know it today.

    Chuck Norris was the best thing before sliced bread … and he is indeed the person responsible for its slicing in the first place.

    Chuck Norris does not allow solicitors.

  247. Chuck Norris refuses to repeatedly click refresh to see if anyone thinks his Blog comments were insightful or humorous.

    Chuck Norris seeks not your approval.

  248. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ foot. Chuck replied to this with,” Do you know who I am, I’m chuck Norris!” The man’s blindness was instantly cured. But,sadly, the first,last, and only thing the man saw was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.

    This one is AWESOME.

  249. UFOs do not abduct people because they are doing experiments and whatnot. In reality, they struck a deal with Chuck Norris to do some genetic cleansing for him so he could take more leisure time at his Oklahoma Ranch. What the aliens get in return is the right to live.

  250. Chuck Norris had a brief career in the WCW. Today, it’s been out of business for three years due to the death of all members except for Booker T, who was spared to ‘tell the world what happened’.

  251. What do you get if you cross Chuck Norris with Jean Claude Van Damme? Chuck Norris and a dead Belgian. No one crosses Chuck Norris!

  252. My company has instituted the new Bush federal retirement plan to save money. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks all employees when they turn 65.

  253. In the American Revolution, the French didn’t send ships to help the colonists, they sent Chuck Norris, who walked on water straight from Paris to Yorktown and roundhouse kicked Cornwallis in the face.

  254. Chuck Norris created the universe in six days, and he did it WITH violence.

    Chuck Norris created the universe in six days, and he even had the idea before anyone else. How do you like that, God, and how would you like a roundhouse kick to the face, GOD?

  255. a kid once complained to chuck norris that it was too cold, Chuck Norris then created global warming and roundhouse hicked the kid in the face

  256. The creation of the universe happened by When Good Chuck Norris fought with Bad Chuck Norris, They both round house kicked each other declaring the match a draw. So the did the fusion dance and combine in SSJ100 Chuck Norris and made everything alive,We now know him as God.

  257. The only things Chuck Norris would marry are his muscles. His vows would be to use his ‘spouse’ for the forces of awesome and killing. The people who attend the wedding would explode in sheer shock of the sexy sight of Chuck Norris kissing his muscles. He would roundhouse kick the wedding band’s organ player in the face in celebration, and drag along severed limbs of dead midgets behind his limo instead of the traditional soup cans. He would then kill a crew of over 75 pirates with his beard and roundhouse kicks for his honeymoon, steal the ship, and sail off the conquer Ethiopia twice.

    This process can be completed by Chuck Norris in under an hour and twenty minutes.

  258. Chuck Norris was the original Kool-aid man because it was simple for him to bust through walls. He was fired though because he kept round-housing the kids who tried to drink his Kool-aid.

  259. One time while having sex, his partner asked him “how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?” Chuck Norris responded by bellowing “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and he ripped out her throat. While holding her bloody throat in his hand he shouted “DON’T FUCK WITH CHUCK!” 12 years later he realized the irony of this and burst out laughing. His laugh was so loud every living thing’s head on the Earth exploded. Chuck Norris then repeatedly round-housed kicked heaven and hell at the same time untill all humans and animals were back on Earth.

  260. Chuck Norris flosses with barbed razor wire.

    Snickers doesn’t really satisfy… Chuck Norris really satisfies.

  261. Chuck Norris picks his nose with a meat hook.

    What Moses thought was a burning bush was really the reflection of the sun from Chuck Norris’ gleaming, rich beard.

    When Chuck Norris makes a stitch in time, he saves ten.

  262. Chuck Norris was the first Jedi.

    When Chuck Norris is going skiing,avalanches are going uphill.

    God didn’t want to destroy Sodoma, but Chuck Norris did.

  263. The mafia pays Chuck Norris for protection.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t buy pants, he buys denim colored paint.

    If he can’t find denim colored paint, he tightens up his belt till his legs turn blue.

    Chuck Norris made the Grand Canyon so that there was a hole big enough for all the bodies.

    If you can’t see Chuck Norris, listen for his inner voice, it’s in stereo.

    When Chuck Norris gets punched, Chuck Norris says “Chuck Norris don’t punch back, Chuck Norris round-house kicks to the face.”

    The pyrimids is where Chuck Norris buried Madonna.

    The sphinx once said, “I smell Chuck Norris.” To which Chuck Norris replied, “ROUND-HOUSE KICK to the nose.”

    Hollywood didn’t make Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris made Hollywood.

    Chuck Norris kicked Clint Eastwood so hard that Clint wandered around Italy for 3 movies without a name.

  264. King Kong climed the Empire State Building to hide from Chuck Norris.

    Nine months after seeing Chuck Norris give the thumbs up in the movie “Dodge Ball”, 327 women gave birth to babies with beards.

    Chuck Norris Says: “Tai Chi is for old women & David Carridine.”

  265. Chuck Norris has already seen Shrek part 3 and thought it sucked..

    Chuck Norris watched The Lord of the Rings Trilogy in 3 minutes..

    Chuck Norris doesn’t drive his car, his car drives him..

    Chuck Norris likes to get tickled.. so he can kill for a reason..

    Chuck Norris went to see King Kong at a theater, but King Kong was to affraid to appear..

  266. Pingback: Easy Does It University » Chuck Norris

  267. A man once asked Chuck Norris if it was true that he had cheated Death.
    Chuck norris merely laughed and said “Fool! I am Death

    BC and AD really stand for “Before chuck” and “after dying”

  268. I was walking down a hallway a few days back when i saw a small glass window that said
    “In Case of Chuck Norris, Break Glass” Just to get a good kick, i broke the glass, and inside was a gun with a note attached. It said “quick! Put yourself out of your misery”

  269. Chuck Norris IS the Holy Grail.

    The Chinese built the Great China Wall in a vain attempt to keep Chuck Norris out. Unfortunately for the Chinese, Chuck Norris goes wherever Chuck Norris wants to.

  270. Rome might not have been built in a day, but Chuck Norris knocked it all down in nine minutes.

    Stonehenge is Chuck Norris’ dominoe set.

  271. Braveheart changed his name to Ronald McDonald after catching a glimpse of Chuck Norris’ profile on a busy street.

  272. When playing poker with Chuck Norris, if you have a Royal Flush & Chuck Norris has a pair of twos, Chuck Norris wins.

    In rock, paper, scissors, a Chuck Norris Round-House Kick to the Face beats them all.

    If you have $100 and Chuck Norris has .50 cents, Chuck Norris really has $100.50.

  273. The bottom of Chuck Norris’ boots say: “If you can read this, you’ve just been Round-House Kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.”

  274. Chuck Norris did NOT vote for Pedro, he abstains. Always.

    Four out of five dentists recommend the use of Chuck Norris to fight of tooth decay and the germs that cause gum disease. The dissenting fifth dentist … well you know the story.

    Chuck Norris already removed the previous post containing profanity … Chuck Norris is all about the children.

    Chuck Norris taught Crocodile Dundee the “hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” water buffalo trick in Walkabout Creek. He also always makes Donk spill his beer with a vicious roundhouse kick to the gut.

    Chuck Norris is solely responsible for putting candy in piñatas.

    When the kung fu master asked Chuck Norris to “Quickly as you can snatch the pebble from my handle” Chuck Norris smirked and the pebble was already in his mouth. He replied “Master huh?” and delivered a series of deadly roundhouse kicks to the face.

    Chuck Norris is the true color of money.

    Chuck Norris can spay dogs by staring at them.

    Kurt Cobain killed himself out of the despair we all encounter at that fateful moment … when we realize we will never be Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris has repeatedly snuck up on and successfully “butterdupped” Osama Bin laden. When asked why he hadn’t taken the opportunities to kill him. He “butterdupped” the reporter and said, “That’s why”

    Chuck Norris actually pissed on The Dudes rug, not the Chinaman. He also refuses to call him the “Dude?.

  275. No one has ever dared to tell Chuck Norris the phrase is actually buttercupped, not butterdupped.

  276. The original nintendo game “Contra” featured Chuck’s character from the same movie. Unfortunately, the game had to be reprogrammed because gameplay lasted only five minutes, after which every character in the game either died or became pregnant.

    Chuck norris’ sweat is the most powerful aphrodisiac in the world. The last man who wore it died after being molested by a group of women, cattle, and housecats.

    Chuck Norris can spell his name in the snow…without removing his pants.

  277. The word Chuckaphobia is the scientific term for an irrational fear of Chuck Norris. Every person on earth suffers from Chuckaphobia, whether they know it or not.

  278. It is rumored that they executed the wrong guy for the Oklahoma City Bombing, Infact upon further investigation they discovered that Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the building after the feds told him that he would not be able to register his beard as a lethal weapon.

  279. Someone once told Chuck Norris that a roundhouse kick is not the best kick. This has been noted in history as the worst mistake ever made.

  280. Pingback: Chuck Norris - The Facts: A Bizzarre Fusion Of RealUltimatePower And Jack Handy at Literal Barrage

  281. Chuck Norris once bought a car, he then sold it, when asked why he stated ” I have decided to roundhouse myself where I need to go, something like a helicopter if you will” he then gave the guy a roundhouse to the face because he asked chuck norris a question

  282. Some More Chuck Facts:

    Chuck’s parents wish that birth control could be made retroactive

    Chuck Norris was so tough in school, he made his teacher stay after school

    Chuck has no respect for any age, unless it’s bottled

    Chuck has never told his children that other familes eat thre meals a day

    Chuck once had a fight with a woman, and he would have won if she hadn’t struck back with her crutches….wait….he killed her with one swift roundhouse kick

    Chuck Norris never hits a man when he’s down…..he kicks him

    Before firing the whole crew on Walker Texas Ranger, he gave them all a raise, so they’d be losing a better job

    One night Chuck thought he was dead…..the heat woke him up

  283. Chuck Norris can turn off the light and be in bed before the room gets dark. Darkness knows Chuck and darkness is afraid.

  284. “Chuck Norris Sucks” …. That is what somebody once said, he was never seen nor heard from again, when the funeral was held, no one came for fear of Chuck Norris wanting to take out the blood of the dumbest guy ever

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  286. Chuck Norris sweats Gatorade.

    Chuck Norris once inhaled a live seagull.

    Chuck Norris punched a hole through a cow to see who was coming up the road.

  287. Hahahaha love them all….

    There is no proof of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has alowed to live.

  288. Forgot this one…..Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because he’s afraid of the dark, the dark is affrid of Chuck Norris.

  289. I guess I have to admit these “facts” won’t really hurt Chuck-;- but I wish more of them would actually be funny instead of gargantuan exaggerations and stupid stuff. Can’t you be a little more witty ?

  290. Arnie will be back when Chuck Norris lets him

    When Chuck Norris was growing up, he didn’t have to be home by dark. Dark had to wait for him to get home.

    Chuck Norris’ mum wears army boots

  291. Fire does’t burn Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris burns fire.

    Chuck Norris does’t drown in water, water drowns in chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris painted the Mona Lisa by looking at a torn piece of paper.

    Chuck Norris does not have sex, sex has Chuck Norris.

    Whats really inside ‘area 51?’ Chuck Norris perfecteing his roundhouse.

    Theres no such thing as shooting stars, just people that Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked.

    Chuck Norris has had 3 children – God, Goku and Bruce Lee. He concieved and gave birth to all 3 by his self because he is the only one worthy of having sex with Chuck Norris.

  292. When it rains, there is a dry patch where Chuck Norris has walked.

    The sun sets when Chuck Norris tells it to.

    The Earth does’nt orbit around the sun, the sun orbits Chuck Norris.

    The man in the moon is really Chuck Norris.

    God rules heaven, the devil rules hell and Chuck Norris rules Earth and everything above and below.

    Theres no negative to Chuck Norris’s positive.

    The only thing better than chuck taylors is Chuck Norris’s.

  293. every time chuck norris looks into a mirror his heart swells to 4.7231 times its normal size, but when he leaves the mirror his heart breaks. it is now thought that he carries a mirror with him every where he goes

  294. there is a reason why mules are infertile, chuck norris roundhouse kicks them in the genitles when they are born. he doesnt believe in cross breeding or the look in their eyes

  295. chuck doesnt need to lift his a arm to drink his beer, he uses his mind power and the can raises to his mouth

  296. In a rooftop showdown, The Joker asked Chuck Norris if he’d “Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?” Chuck simply replied “Yes” and roundhouse kicked the smile off Joker’s face.

  297. Chuck Norris is more than a Warrior. He is a God Warrior! He is the best in the execution of every discipline of warfare and Martial Arts in the history of Mankind. He holds all world championships in every Martial Art at the same time! The Japanese have elevated him beyond a Ninja to a new order created only for him called Tunija. The term has no English translation except maybe “God Warrior from Outer Space?.

    The Pentagon recognizes the stopping power of Chuck Norris and has declared Chuck Norris the 8th standing Army of the U.S.

    Chuck Norris’s fart gas has is so lethal that when he dutch ovened his wife it turned her into ashes.

    The recent Tsunami in the Indian Ocean was in fact caused by Chuck Norris while he was scuba diving off the cost of Thailand. He saw a shark coming up behind him and threw a roundhouse kick the disintegrated the shark and hit a nearby rock formation. The rest is history.

  298. nobody knows what the meaning of life is!not even chuck norris! but we all know what the meaning of deathis = chuck norris

  299. There are two types of people is this world, those that Chuck Norris allows to live and those that get Round-House Kicked to the Face.

  300. Chuck Norris doesn’t go fishing, fish grow legs, walk to Chuck Norris’ house, commit Hari Kari, throw themselves on Chuck Norris’ B-B-Q, and serve themselves up on a platter with a little bit of lemon.

  301. omg this sh** is so funny….i wish averyone would quit the bit***** about it though if u don’t like it don’t read it!!!!! No one forced u to come to this web site unless chuck………

  302. Chuck Norris has been known to hunt down those who use his name without permission, and roundhouse kick them in the face 27 times, killing them, resurrecting them (yes, chuck norris knows the secret to resurrection, how do you think Jesus learned?) and roundhouse kicking them a further 38 times. this will happen to you kwi for using his name in the most retarded comment possible.. especially for using that comment on the mark of Chuck Norris, 666 (the devil uses it because it makes him look good)

  303. Smokey the Bear says: “Only you can prevent forest fires, but NOBODY can prevent a Chuck Norris Round-House Kick to the Face.”

  304. When playing chess, the Kasparov Defense is no match for the Chuck Norris Round-House Kick to the Face offense.

  305. When Chuck Norris eats at Chinese restaurant, he doesn’t order Kung Pao chicken, Chuck Norris orders chicken KUNG-POW!

  306. a blind homeless man once approached chuck norris and asked for spare change. the sound of chucks voice cured him of his blindness, and for the first time in his life, he could see. Unfortunately for him, he opened his eyes just in time to see the first, and last, thing he would ever see; a roundhouse kick to the face.

  307. TICKED, you need to realise that by revealing the strange and wonderful world of Chuck Norris, we ARE offering him our deepest respect and so on a so forth.

    If you’re Chuck Norris, then sorry and please don’t eat my babies.

  308. every super hero has a weakness, chuck norris’s is penguins! You don’t believe me? have you ever seen chuck norris at the south pole?

  309. i banged chuck norris up his bum and he loved it! he keeps phoning me to meet up with him again, so i told him to shut up and leave me alone or i would round house kick him to the face

  310. The comment above is how i know charles has got a third nipple, i couldnt contain myself so i twisted it hahahaha

  311. chuck norris actually died 5 years ago, the grim reaper is still trying to work up enough courage to tell him

  312. Chuck Norris didn’t invent knives to cut things, He invented them because he wanted his enemies to think they had a chance.

  313. While walking in the woods , a drop of sweat landed on a chicken from Chuck Norris’s forehead. This resulted in the death of millions of birds and 20 people up until now. Scientists are trying to extract a sullotion from Chuck Norris’s sweat to make an antidote for birdflu.

  314. When Chuck Norris was delivered he roundhouse kicked the doctor in the face. No one delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

    If Chuck Norris is late, time had better slow the fuck down.

  315. chuck norris once asked yoda to come to the dark side of the force when yoda refused he got a round house kick to the face

    and thats what really happened

  316. dispite popular belif it wasn’t a meteor that ended the lives of all the dinisours it was just what chuck norris likes to call: “sharpening my skills”

  317. the goverment doesnt make chuck norris pay tax, they pay him tax’s, in return for chuck norris not round house kicking them in the face.

  318. SOME OF MY OWN… TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK…

    Chuck Norris is the first and only man to ever carry the olympic torch… The rest are just phonies.

    Chuck Norris was the only surrvivor of the spaceshuttle: Challenger. In Space he Roundhouse Kicked the shit out of the center of the milky way creating the first black hole… He did this all in shorts and a tanktop.

    Chuck Norris was the 10th member of the Brady Bunch.

    13 donuts is called a Chuck Norris Dozen

    Chuck Norris says that aint IS a word

    The Book 1984 is an allegory for Chuck Norris’s Beard

    If Chuck Norris had a dollar for every person he had roundhouse kicked, His money stacked on end would reach God 8.9 septillion times.

    Chuck Norris Sunk atlantis.

    Shakespeare was Chuck Norris’s Pen name

    Judas didn’t betray Jesus. Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked him in the face for failing to invite Chuck to the last supper.

    Chuck Norris has seen Every movie ever made. His favorite is land before time.

    Only Chuck Norris can prevent Forest Fires.

    Chuck Norris’s vote counts tripple, often deciding the presidency.

    The Statue of Liberty is made in the likeness of Chuck Norris

    Martin Luther King stole the I have a dream speech from Chuck Norris… Chuck found out and the rest is history.

  319. A scientist once wanted to measure the power of Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick. He became known as the first man to visit Alpha Centauri.

  320. Pingback: The Badinage » Blog Archive » Chuck Norris

  321. One time Chuck Norris once farted while on the set of Side Kicks, but the state of California thought it was an earthquake which registered a 10 on the richter scale

  322. Grigori Rasputin was poisoned, shot, clubbed, and tied to a chair and thrown into a icy river to die, but what really killed Rasputin was one glance at Chucks magnificent beard.

  323. Chuck Norris can jump this far
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    With his arms and legs tied behind his back.

  324. Dinosaurs once roamed this earth before Chuck Norris decided he needed to practice his round house kick.

  325. God said unto Noah, build an ark and gather two of evey creature upon it. Noah laughed and said “That’s impossible. There’s only one Chuck Norris.”

  326. Chuck Norris met Billy Banks on a karate tournament. Chuck Norris said “There can be only one” and round housed kick Billy Banks in the face.
    Since than Billy Banks started making Tae Bo video’s voor old and fat people and himself.

  327. Not so long ago Chuck Norris saw Missy Elliot and round house kicked her in the belly. From that time on she staid off the cookies.

  328. Ticked,

    I’ve been deleting your comments. As I’ve been deleting those comments left by others who are using this as a forum for bickering or ignorance. Your opinion about Chuck Norris is valid. However, the posts here are not intended to defame him. He just happens to be the source of a pop-culture phenomenon currently taking place. So please, do not continue to post your feelings about others leaving comments. It’s true, many of the comments here lack creativity, but many of them are outright hilarious. But seldom are any of them intended to outright insult Chuck Norris. If they are, I delete them. As it is, there are over 700 comments connected to this post. I’ve probably deleted an additional 100-200 comments that were either insulting, crass, bickering, or just outright rude. As owner and proprietor of this blog, I reserve the right to continue to do so.

    So, Ticked, I’m sorry for censoring what you have to say, but I will continue to do so, unless you join in the spirit of this post.

    Thanks for understanding.

    Mike
    Because the World Is Round

  329. For Chuck loved the world so much, He gave His roundhouse, so that everyone
    who believes in Him should not have destruction but eternal life…nevermind, it is destruction.

  330. Chuck Norris is the next American Idol.

    When he was told he sucked he round housed Simon and Paula in the face

  331. Chuck Norris plays golf by round house kicking the ball….

    He can also get a hole in one on all 18 holes with one ball and one kick

  332. ‘Titanic’s’ creator saids that even God can’t destroy their ship. Too bad they forgot about Chuck Norris. Unfortunatelly, he didn’t forget about them.

  333. In 1992 Chuck Norris received the Nobel Prize for Badassedness. Later that day all of the lesbians on earth became pregnant.

  334. Garlic can kill vampires, Silver bullets are the only thing that can kill Werewolfs, And the only thing that can kill a Ninja is Chuck Norris

  335. It is commonly believed that the planets rotate around the sun, However New scientific evidance suggests that Chuck Norris is the center of the universe!!

  336. Chuck Norris invented parking tickets to distract people for a couple seconds while he roundhouse kicked them in the face.

  337. Chuck Norris invented the game of football and banned roundhouse kicking because he felt he’d have a distinct advantage over the competition.

  338. If you look closely, you can see Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking Judas in the background of The Last Supper.

  339. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”

  340. Hurricane Katrina – now has been scientificly proven to be Chuck Norris spinning during one of his round-house kicks.

  341. To MIKE :

    Thank you for at least explaining things Mike. You could have left me a note of forwarning though, instead of just delete me.

    When it comes to this site and Chuck N. “facts”,I really do understand what it is and know it’s in the spirit of amusement , but I wonder: do you get MY point ?

    All I want is to see Chuck Norris not be made into a laughing stock.

    Like I said before: if there’s someone here who does’nt really know who Chuck Norris is, or know who he is, but nothing ,or little more , I’d recommend those people to find out something about the real man. Reading his book is a good place to start . I’m NOT plugging his book, by the way, so don’t even think it. It’s just that they’d be doing themselves a big favor –, and Chuck too. Have YOU read his book ?

    Well don’t fret, this is the last of this type of post I will do , and please think twice before you zap a Chuck Norris first class fan.

    You must be an interesting person yourself to found a site and call it “Because the World is Round” . When the party’s over, may I inspire you to perhaps write a list of serious Chuck Norris facts ? Just an idea–a good one, I think.

    If you do decide to “zap” this would you please leave me a few words in response?

    Thank you , Dee (ticked)

  342. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

  343. One day Chuck Norris went up to a supermarket cashier and stared at him. The cashier said, “Can I help you, sir?” Chuck said, “Okay.” And ripped the man’s spine from his body. The moral of the story is: Don’t question the Chuck Norris.

  344. Only Chuck Norris knows when the end of time will be. It is said to be once he delivers a round house kick to the face of every human being on earth.

  345. Chuck’s intense drive and determination extended beyond his martial arts and acting career. He became an offshore powerboat racer with speeds of 140 miles per hour. In 1991, Chuck with his team and sponsor “Popeye Chicken” won the World Off Shore Powerboat championships. Ya thats a real fact!

  346. While reading through the phone book one day, Chuck Norris actually came across a person named “Nuck Chorris”. This infuriated Chuck. Nuck is now dead, and his name has been removed from all phone books.

  347. Pingback: Urban Saddle » Blog Archive » Like most internet memes…

  348. The Internet was invented by Chuck Norris so that he could deliver roundhouse kicks worldwide from the comfort of his own home.

  349. THE ORIGINALS, I THINK
    -The muppets were real people until they met Chuck Norris
    -Chuck Norris’ favorite color is pain
    -If Chuck Norris filmed a porno it would involve himself, his beard, and several dead Asians
    -The only person to ever survive a direct roundhouse kick form Chuck Norris, is Chuck Norris
    -Chuck Norris kicked the black out of Tiger Woods

    ONES I’VE HEARD
    -Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
    -Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
    -Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
    -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
    -Chuck Norris’ penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris’ colossal erections. This is known as the “Chuck Norris’ big cock theory of space-time”.
    -Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
    -Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
    -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
    -Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
    -Chuck Norris could have any woman he wants, but he has never had sex. He only masturbates because the only person good enough to have sex with Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
    -As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
    -A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
    -If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
    -To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
    -They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
    -Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    -Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
    -Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
    -Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
    -At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
    -Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
    -Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
    -Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
    -Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

  350. In the tomb of the unknown soldier is Chuck Norris,however he reincarnated after his death and was able to bless us with Walker,Texas Ranger.

  351. chuck norris was once asked to play a game of 52 card pickup by a group of card sharks, all 10 of them were killed by a singke round house kick before the first card hit the ground.

  352. Ever wonder why dodo birds are extinct? Well, let’s just say that a dodo bird is very susceptible to roundhouse kicks in the face.

  353. chuck norris once kicked a man so hard that his foot broke the speed of sound, the resulting sonic boom is now hypothesized to have created the indian ocean tsunami in december of 2004

  354. Chuck Norris once won a lottery jackpot in excess of 120 million dollars, he spent the entire sum on “Walker Texas Ranger THE MOVIE” because it was his own money he chose not to release it. He keeps the only copy in his den and shows it to women when hes not in the mood for foreplay.

  355. If you can dode a wrench you can dodge a ball but No One dodges a Roundhouse Kick to the face delivered by Chuuck Norris

  356. The crop circles weren’t from the aliens. It was Chuck Norris telling people that sometimes corn just needs to lay the fuck down!

  357. They are adding a new year to the chinese calendar it is called the year of the Chuck Norris. All children born in this year will be rich and extremely powerful, but not as rich or powerful as Chuck Norris.

  358. Chuck Norris is always watching! If your asking your self “what is he watching” then it’s to late for you I’m sorry :-( may you rest in peace your ashes shall be scattered across the ocean and your name forgotten.

  359. Lee Harvey Oswald John Wilkes Boothe edited by Mike didn’t kill Lincoln, Chuck Norris went back in time and roundhouse kicked him in the face for copying his beard.

    Osama Bin Laden isn’t public enemy number one, it’s Chuck Norris’ right foot. Chuck’s left foot is a close second, followed by every other part of his body, and then Osama. Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicked me in the face for daring to refer to him on a first name basis.

    Chuck Norris was asked to head the UN, because he has the power to end all violence by going to sleep. He responded by roundhouse kicking Kofi Anan in the face and saying, “I never sleep.”

    Rather than ask permission or beg forgiveness, it’s better if you just don’t piss Chuck Norris off.

    Rather than wash his clothes, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the dirt out of them.

    Chuck Norris used to be the 8th wonder of the world, until he roundhouse kicked the Pyramid of Giza and the Lighthouse of Alexandria, and they renamed him First.

    Chuck Norris writes a line of self help books. Titles include, “101 Ways for Teens to Not Get Roundhouse Kicked in the Face” and “Roundhouse Kicking Your Way to Success.”

    Every time one of his children has a birthday, Chuck Norris hires a clown. He then roundhouse kicks the clown in the face to teach the children not to make fun of Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris was the inspiration for the hit TV show, “Arrested Developement.” It was originally to be called, “Arrested for Roundhouse Kicking People in the Face.” The title and plot was changed after Chuck Norris reminded the producers that he only roundhouse kicks for justice.

    You can run, and you can hide, but you can’t survive a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face.

    “Walker Texas Ranger” was originally called, “Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse Kick Hour” but the sheer force of the pilot killed the audience, thereby displeasing the sponsorship. Chuck Norris changed the title, but he also roundhouse kicked the sponsorship in the face.

  360. PI’s original intent was to be in a constant in an equation to measure the force of a Chuck Norris roundhouse. Mathematecians found it useful for circumference also.

    Chuck Norris is claimed to recite the decimal places of PI, whether he used a roundhouse to stop the places or not is uncertain.

  361. http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

    this has some funny ones:

    Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

    Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

    Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

    4 out of 5 doctors agree: They don’t wan’t to meet Chuck Norris in a dark alley when he is in a bad mood. The fifth doctor has nothing to live for.

    # Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

    # There is in fact an “I? in Norris, but there is no “team?… not even close.
    How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.

    Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

    A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

    The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

    Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

    Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

    Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.

    The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

    Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

    The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

    There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris…. Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

    When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

    hehe

  362. Chuck Norris delivers babies. One time, a newborn peed on Chuck. He then roundhouse kicked it back into the womb.

  363. Scientists can now prove there are black holes. A select few witnessed Chuck Norris round house kicking the universe in the groin.

  364. i once had a dream about chuck norris, all i can remember is chuck norris roundhouse kicking me to the face and waking up with a boot print on my face

  365. Chuck Norris killed 20 ninjas. When the police arrived on the scene the only thing left of the victims was a peice of flesh with a boot tatoo. Since this time the police have no leads.

  366. moses didn’t split the red river in half, scientist later on found evidence it was chuck norris practicing his round house kicks

  367. Soon after he finished writing the Bible, Jesus handed it to Chuck Norris to read. 2 minutes later, Norris found 32 philosophical errors.

  368. Shortly after Chuck Norris was born he tried to shave his manly beard but found the razor snapped. Since then Chuck Norris sharpens his killing knives on his beard

  369. only chuck norris can make Linux accept a kernal

    ps. fyi its fubar (an acrynom standing for fucked up beyond all return) and im not so sure anyone got ur joke (just to let u know)

  370. be like chuck norris guide
    (you really can’t be like chuck cuz after all he is chuck norris i mean come on)

    #1: ebrace the power of the beard

    #2: don’t forget no matter how badly out numbered you are your enimes will still only attack you one at a time

    hint: feel free to round house kick them as they get within reach but mix it up everynow and then….. do a round house kick in the opposite direction

    #3: guns are over rated at least make things a little challenging always resort to a round house kick

    #4: women will be attracted to you naturally
    warning: men will be too

    #5: your hat is your most important piece of equipment you own never leave home without it

    #6 : you really don’t ever need a side kick but they give you someone to round house kick when you get bored

    #8 : if your reading this and your a women then ur probably already pregnant… if your a guy.. ur probably pregnant too

    #7 : when all else fails round house kick it

  371. How much wood could Chuck Norris chuck
    If Chuch Norris could chuck wood
    It’s not a matter of if but when and
    Chuck Norris would triple roundhouse the
    fuckin’ chuckin’ wood

  372. a tsunami is what happens when water runs in fear of chuck norris or what he calls “getting a little out of hand with the wave pool”

  373. DE- FACTO “facts” !! :-

    The theme of all our fun with Chuck seems to be “He’s tough!”

    Hmmm– Could that be sarcasm ? Some people who tell the world how educated they are are’nt worth a nickle’s worth of horsemeat when it comes to “knowing” ANY facts about Mr. Chuck.

    An interesting scenario : Picture this :-

    Each year Chuck Norris would meet with other Martial artists at a United Fighting Federal Arts convention. In 1993 he met with one of the greatest jujitsu artist,and karate teacher ,Carlos Muchado, and he was asked by Carlos if he would help him show some of his students how to escape certain holds. There were 22 young, strong “cream of the crop” blackbelt artists. Chuck agreed to help them learn a little more.
    After a short while, when he was showing the first man a “hold” etc. the guy got overly ambitious and started “grappling ” with chuck –like wrestling —so Chuck went along with him, and within a very short time the guy was “tapping the mat”; a way of saying “that’s enough; I give up !”

    To make the story short, he fought with all 22 young blackbelt men and won each match , in sucession , with no rest in between fights.
    He even won the match with one fellow who had been standing by watching Chuck’s every move and had the benifit of hearing Carlos’s suggestions of how to counteract and escape Chucks holds. Chuck had that guy submitting in two minutes; holding him so hard and incapacitated he could’nt even move. Chuck was more than twice the age of most of them then.

    I’m impressed ! That’s only one little incident.

  374. hahahahahahahahahlol

    Mr. T’s name used to be Mr. Tackle then chuck norris got mad bcause he could not be Mr. round house kick …. so he kicked the ackle off of tackle leaving Mr.T

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  376. In a remote mountain range harnessing the initial development of his round house kick, Chuck Norris had to be careful to control his ability. Many times he found himself in a stage he refers to as the “helicopter”, landing on mountain top to mountain top.

  377. Something REALLY funny !! :–

    Every now and then ,probably TOO often ,I hear or read about some yo-yos who refer to the “Walker” show as being “canceled” .

    Back to the boring REAL facts : I hate to tell them and deflate thier heads, but “Walker” was NOT “canceled” ! He, Chuck , decided to fold. He said he wanted to quit while he was ahead . So ending the Walker show was HIS idea, not CBS .

    And for those who enjoy looking down thier noses at the “Walker” show,..did you know :

    “Walker” became the most sucessful saturday night series on television since ” Gunsmoke” .

    It was one of the top-rated t.v. shows ever. The people embraced it very well.

    Walker by survey etc., was found to be considered a family show; families were sitting down together Sat. night to watch this show together. It was considered to be one of the few shows that had that status.

    Oh,–and it ran for EIGHT years; as good as it usually gets. That would’nt have happened if it wasn’t sucessful. It was and still is, one of a kind. There has’nt been another like it since it left us.So for those who are ready to tell us how “Walker” was not a winner –DON’T open your mouth and make yourself sound as stupid as you look already.

  378. Chuck Norris was the first choice for the role of Danny Tanner on Full House. Everything was going well until this incident with the Olsen triplets

  379. Have you ever heard of the Chuck Norris diet? He comes to your house and roundhouse kicks the fat off your body.

  380. The happy treehouse friends didn’t make chuck norris very happy. The result was the series known as the happy treehouse friends produced by chuck norris.

  381. More “de Facto ” facts :

    Well bless your hearts ! This site’s list about the power of Chuck Norris’ kick shows me that people may have finally come to realize the truth in regards to the impact of the famous Chuck-kick ! *

    All your far-out descriptions of Chuck’s karate talents may not be so far-out after all. Read on :-

    ON ONE OCCASION-at the fighting arts convention some blackbelt students were in a workout room kicking a dummy that was electronically wired to determine the force with which the students were kicking in pounds per square inch. Most of the men were striking the dummy on an average of 200 lbs. per square inch. A few of them struck the dummy with almost 300 lbs. per square inch of force that’s registered by the meter. That’s quite a wallop and Chuck said he was “extremely impressed !”

    The young men began to plead with Chuck to show them what he could do (Please, please ?) After a while he decided to quit resisting and said “Okay, I’ll give it a try”

    Chuck leaped up and kicked the dummy and the meter registered an impact of SIX HUNDRED POUNDS per square inch !

    Needless to say, THEY were “extremely impressed” They said that they’d never seen that done before; nobody had gotten the meter above 300 lbs. That’s half the force of Chuck’s kick. Totally awesome.

    * in regard to his “famous kick” ; actually that would be the Chuck Norris “scissor-kick” often described as “deadly” , and not the typical “roundhouse ” kick.

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