Ricardo Montalban – Lima Bean Farmer?

Someone once asked me, “What’s on your mind, Mikey? What are you thinking about?”

More often than not, I’d answer with something like, “Nuthin’. Why? What are you thinking about?”

But today, if someone were to ask me that question, I’d have a different answer for them. Today, that conversation would go something like this:

OTHER PERSON (assume this is a dude): “What’s on your mind, Mikey? What are you thinking about?”
ME: “Actually, I was thinking about lima beans.”
OP: “Lima beans?”
ME: “Yep.”
OP: “Huh. That’s odd.”
ME: “Yep.”
OP: “Any particular reason you happen to be thinking about lima beans right now?”
ME: “Probably, but I can’t really remember.”
OP: “I see.”
ME: “Do you?”
OP: “Well, actually, no. I guess not.”
ME: “I didn’t think so.”
OP: “Well let’s try to figure it out.”
ME: “Let’s.”
OP: “Okay. Were you thinking about soup or anything earlier?”
ME: “I dunno? Why would I be thinking about soup? That seems like a pretty odd question.”
OP: “Well I was just thinking that some soups have lima beans.”
ME: “Oh! The lima beans. I forgot that’s what we were still talking about.”
OP: “Yeah.”
ME: “Okay.”
OP: “So you weren’t thinking about soup then?”
ME: “No. At least I don’t think so.”
OP: “Well then what other things have lima beans in them?”
ME: “Um, stew? I think some sorts of stews have lima beans in them.”
OP: “Were you thinking about stew?”
ME: “No.”
OP: “Oh.”
ME: “I like stew.”
OP: “Yeah?”
ME: “Yeah.”
OP: “Okay. So you weren’t thinking about soup or stew.”
ME: “Well, I might’ve been.”
OP: “Are you sure?”
ME: “No. Not really.”
OP: “You’re not really helping here, are you?”
ME: “Well, I’m not sure I understand why it’s important we figure out the reason that I was thinking about lima beans.”
OP: “Well what if it had something to do with something else? Maybe it could actually be a very important thing.”
ME: “How could lima beans possibly be important?”
OP: “Because, maybe you overheard someone talking about something and that something could have been like some murder plot or a planned governement overthrow and the words ‘lima beans’ might have been the subliminal trigger used to trigger the unknowing assassin.
ME: “You watched Naked Gun last night, didn’t you?”
OP: “Yeah, how’d you know?”
ME: “No reason.”
OP: “Bull.”
ME: “Remember him from Night Court?”
OP: “Yeah. What a great show. I miss that one.”
ME: “Me too.”
OP: “Wait, why’d you ask me about Naked Gun? How’d you know I watched it?”
ME: “Because, you dorksweat, that’s sort of what happens to Reggie Jackson in the movie. He’s playing right field for the Angels and Ricardo Montalban triggers something so that Reggie will shoot the Queen of England with a gun that happens to be hidden under second base.”
OP: “I never knew the Queen was a baseball fan.”
ME: “I think it’s because she can’t figure out cricket.”
OP: “Why would the Queen go to see an Angel’s game though? When that movie was made they sucked.”
ME: “I know. It’d be like the Queen coming to America and going to a Bob Saget stand-up show.”
OP: “Don’t knock Bob Saget, you fucker.”
ME: “Don’t knock Bob Saget? What’s wrong with you?”
OP: “I happen to be a very big Bob Saget fan. He was to Full House what Henry Winkler was to Happy Days.”
ME: “That’s it, you’re crazy.”
OP: “Alright, tough guy. Let’s go. Them’s fightin’ words.”
ME: “Are you serious? You want to fight to defend Bob Saget’s honor?”
OP: “That’s right I do. Now put ’em up. I’m gonna give you a knuckle sandwich for lunch.”
ME: “Hey remember when you came in here, you asked me what I was thinking about?”
OP: “Yeah.”
ME: “Do you remember what you were doing right before then?”
OP: “Yeah. I was licking a stamp.”
ME: “Right. But it was the kind of stamp that’s a sticker.”
OP: “So? I stopped licking when I figured that out.”
ME: “Well I just remembered what I was thinking.”
OP: “You did?”
ME: “Yes.”
OP: “Well?”
ME: “I was thinking about what an idiot you are.”
OP: “Hey, now. Wait a second.”
ME: “No! It’s true. I mean you were licking a stamp that was actually a sticker so you could make it stick. And now you want to fight because I might’ve made fun of Bob Saget.”
OP: “Well what’s all that got to do with what you thinking about earlier?”
ME: “Do you remember what I was thinking about earlier?”
OP: “Lima beans.”
ME: “Right. And what was one of the things you asked me?”
OP: “Were you thinking about soup?”
ME: “After that.”
OP: “Were you thinking about stew?”
ME: “Before that.”
OP: “Why don’t you love me?”
ME: “Um, no. You never asked me that. And now I think I’d like to leave.”
OP: “Oh. WAIT! I remember! I asked you if you knew what other things had lima beans in them.”
ME: “Right.”
OP: “So you were thinking about something that had lima beans in them?”
ME: “Indeed I was.”
OP: “You’re about to say that I have lima beans in my head, aren’t you?”
ME: “Aw, no c’mon, what sort of person do you think I am?”
OP: “Well, you can be an asshole sometimes, you know.”
ME: “Now I think we both know that’s impossible. I’m far too nice of a guy to ever be an asshole.”
OP: “No. Sometimes you can be an asshole.”
ME: “Alright, lima bean brain. You have lima beans in your head!”
OP: —-
ME: —-
OP: “Asshole.”
ME: “Lima.”
OP: “Why don’t you love me anyway?”
ME: “Good-night, everybody!”

A poem – Ode To a Knuckle Sandwich

Ode to a Knuckle Sandwich
by Michael P. Fertig

O, that sandwich, that sandwich made of knuckle.
It is no secret how you make me buckle,
Every time we meet I fall right to my knees
Just fleeting moments after you’re fed to me.

I asked for salami on whole wheat dry,
instead I got you slammed into my eye.
What did I do to deserve such a treat?
It’s prob’ly because you’re out of lunch meat.

Alas I’m not mad, in fact just the opposite,
When someone cracks wise, you’re there right on top of it.
And that’s important, as we’re all aware,
‘Cause most wise crackers could use a good scare.

You don’t come with a big pickle or a fat side of slaw,
just a natural propensity to lay down the law.
Whether served hot, cold, or on lightly toasted bread,
Lunch is about done when you slam into my head.

I honestly did not even see you on the menu,
But it has become quite clear that I must’ve deserved you.
So today I praise the brave knuckle sandwich,
Even if you made me cry like a sumbitch.