As the primary elections begin to heat up for the big election next year, I’m reminded an article I posted on Negative Waves a few years back. I thought I’d repost it below for your enjoyment.
Since I’ve been so lazy lately as far as writing here, I figured the least I could do is pull out some old stuff for your enjoyement. I’ll try to get back to writing fresh stuff soon.
I’ve decided that I need some more excitement in my life. I need a part-time job or something. First of all, I could use the extra cash. Second of all, I just feel like I could really stand to fill my free time a little better. So I decided that I should analyze my talents to decide what I might be good at. So here’s a list of my talents, all six of them:
1. I’m tallish.
2. I can make farting noises with my hands.
3. I can drive a car with a manual transmission.
4. I can juggle three easy to catch objects for anywhere from 5 to 38 seconds.
5. I’m good at standing behind podiums.
6. I like to sit around and have people tell me stuff.
So naturally, I realized that the part time jobs that would work best for me would be a cashier at Barnes & Noble, a bartender, a taxi driver, a grocery stock boy, or the President of the United States.
I think being President might pay the most, so I decided to go ahead and apply for that job. It turns out though, that you can’t just apply for it. You also have to get elected or something. And apparently not even by a majority vote, from what I understand. So that sounds good to me. I’m announcing that I’m running to be hired as the president of the United States.
So my job application says that I should list reasons why I would make a good president. This was sort of like the time I got the job at Sears Paint and Hardware and they asked me why I’d make a good hardware store employee. I said, “I would make a good hardware store employee because I’m tall and can reach the paint on the top shelves.” That did the trick, I think, ’cause I got hired.
So since I need to be elected by you, the general public, I thought I would share my list of reasons why you should vote for me for president:
- A TV in every bathroom and an armed guard in every driveway.
- I’ll get our girl scout troops out of Iroc Z Camaros.
- I will declare war on the real villains in this world, people who chase an inside straight and get it on the river.
- I haven’t taken a vacation that’s lasted more than five days in years. So I won’t expect to have to do that.
- I’ve never tried heroine, but I love a good gyro.
- I will pronounce words correctly on national television.
- Though I may look funny, I won’t give funny looks unless I’m trying to be funny.
- I’ll leave a child or two behind. (But not yours, I swear.)
- If I have a dog in the White House that son-of-a-bitch (literally) is gonna be a great big, bad-ass German Shepherd-Pitbull mix, and it’s gonna be angry. Really, really angry.
- I won’t invite winning baseball/football/basketball teams to the White House. I’ll make them invite me to each of their houses, the rich bastards.
- My vice-president will be Dave Chappelle.
- I’ll sit in the coach section of Air Force One. (But I’ll get the whole row to myself.)
- I’ll take half of the Federal Reserve’s cash to Vegas and put it all on black. If I win I’m going to the Bunny Ranch. If I lose, I’m taking the other half and going to the all-you-can-eat shrimp bar.
- I’ll change the National Anthem from the “Star Spangled Banner” to “Hammer of Love” by Bad Company.
- When giving my State of the Union Address, I’ll always wear a Hawaiian shirt and be drinking a Singapore Sling. Every time I say the word “crisis” I have to drink.
- I’ll challenge the heads of state of other countries to games of Golden Tee in exchange for natural resources.
- If the time comes for us to go to war with a country possessing nuclear capabilities, I’ll hold a contest to see who gets to push the button. Who knows, it could be you!
- I’ll give a full pardon to Shoeless Joe Jackson and Buck Weaver and personally induct them into baseball’s Hall of Fame.
- My election victory party will be held in the Grotto at the Playboy Mansion, and Fred Durst won’t be invited. In fact, James Caan will be personally in charge of my guest list. We’re gonna party old school.
- Ben Affleck will be immediately executed for crimes against the state. Namely, reproducing.
- I’ll take control of the National Hockey League and I’ll make some changes. I’ll make the goal bigger, I’ll get rid of icing, I’ll take away the goalie’s stick, and I’ll get rid of the sport of hockey.
- I’ll take the Pledge of Allegiance out of the classrooms. I’ll replace it with the reciting of the lyrics to “Rockin’ Into the Night” by .38 Special.
- I’ll make it a law that people have to post their cell-phone numbers on their car bumpers so we can call the idiots to tell them how much they suck at driving.
- I’ll change the national bird from the bald eagle to the middle finger.
- When Superman saves the Eiffel tower from a bomb planted beneath an elevator by sending it into space and the resulting explosion sets free three alien criminals from their two-dimensional glass prison and they come to Earth demanding to meet the president, I won’t hide behind my vice-president. And the first thing I’ll do once I get rid of them is send a memo to Superman asking what the hell he’s doing helping out the freakin’ French in the first place.
- I will change the official term “First Lady” to “My Baby’s Momma.”
- At press conferences, I’ll be the one who gets to ask the questions.
- I’ll legalize gambling in the District of Columbia.
- I’ll change the Columbia so it will become the District of Poopfaces.
- I’ll consider changing Washington D.C.’s name to Washing A.C./D.C.
- I’ll replace “God Bless America” with “Low Spark of High Heeled Boys” by Traffic.
- I’ll get to decide what to name hurricanes. Instead of sissy names like Katrina or Rita we’ll have names that will scare people away and save lives. Like Hurricane Gotti, Hurricane Bundy, or Hurricane Bea Arthur.
- The White House will be painted a different color so as to be more racially friendly. Perhaps eggshell.
- Women’s beach volleyball will be assigned it’s own major network. 24 hours of women playing volleyball on the beach!
- I’ll make my sister the governor of Florida after I’m president.
- All Washington D.C. sports teams will use my name as their moniker. The Washington Wizards will become the Washington Mikeys.
So remember, come election time, say “yes” to Mikey for President.