I was checking in with one of my favorite websites — Dead or Alive, a site devoted to listing celebrities to let the public know whether they’re alive or not — when I discovered a new feature. But before I get into that, I need to express how great this site really is. I mean how many times have you been sitting around having a conversation about someone and wondered whether or not they’re still alive.
You: I was watching an episode of Riptide on some cable channel last night.
Them: Riptide? You mean the show with the big pink helicopter?
Them: Man, I used to love that show!
You: What happened?
Them: Whattaya mean what happened?
You: Well you said you used to love the show. What happened?
Them: Well it was on a long time ago.
You: So? Did you love your mom 15 years ago?
You: Well why don’t you love Riptide anymore? Was it unfaithful to you? Did the pink helicopter have an affair with Blue Thunder?
Them: Blue Thunder?
Them: Wasn’t that the helicopter that could fly in whisper mode?
Them: Dick Butkus was in the TV version of that.
You: He was. So was Bubba Smith. They were ground support.
Them: I think Dick Butkus showed up in an episode of McMillan & Wife once.
You: What the hell is that?
Them: It was a show with Rock Hudson.
You: He’s dead.
Them: He is.
You: Wasn’t that show on in like 60’s?
Them: Early 70’s.
You: You’re only 32, how were you watching that show?
Them: Reruns, dude.
You: So who played the wife?
Them: Susan St. James.
You: Is she dead?
Them: I don’t think so.
You: Are you sure?
You: Well find out?
Them: What? You want me to call her?
You: No. I guess not.
Them: I don’t have her number anyway.
You: Man, I wish there were a website where one could go to find out if someone were still alive or not.
Well, there is! Dead or Alive.
As I was saying earlier, they recently added a feature where you can punch in your birthday to see who you’ve outlived. I recently did that. As it turns out, to this moment I’ve outlived Bruce Lee by 15 days. In otherwords, when Bruce Lee died, he was 15 days younger than I am today.
Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve always been a pretty big Bruce Lee fan. I have a ton of respect for his physical abilities, and even moreso his mental strength. But the guy was a badass, pure and simple. I’ve never seen a guy’s fists move so fast. And I think his torso and legs were made from lead. I mean seriously, the guy was just a badass.
Which brings me to my point today: if Bruce Lee was a badass, then I must be a super-badass. Clearly, in this “only the strong survive” world, I’ve been proven Bruce Lee’s superior. Let’s look at the facts I was able to last longer on this earth than he was. So naturally, the only conclusion one can reach is that I’m tougher, a bigger badass, and just generally all around more capable than he was.
Okay, so I’m kidding. I’m the furthest thing from a badass. Thugs won’t even try to mug me because it’d be like mugging a fire hydrant — very little resistance, no payoff, and a whole lot of seeping fluids.
And for the record, Susan St. James is alive and well.