Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Now, since I’m clearly extremely successful in handling my own relationships, I figured I’d take a quick moment to provide all of you with a few helpful hints about maintaining a good relationship with your significant other.

The most important thing to remember at all times is to always consider what affect any particular action you are about to make is going to have on your relationship. For example, let’s say you’re sitting on a crowded bus and you suddenly feel an itch on your ankle. If you are thinking from a relationship point of view, you have to recognize the potential ramifications of simply reaching down and scratching that itch.

Let’s say you bend over in your seat, which happens to be one of the bench seats on the bus that faces inward. There are people standing all up and down the aisle. When you reach down to scratch that ankle, you inadvertantly bump your head into the leg of a woman who happens to be standing there. The woman looks down, smiles at you as you say, “pardon me,” and you go back to sitting up as your itch has been scratched.

But unbeknownst to you, your significant other is sitting beside you, watching you. Gauging you. Trying to figure out what your real reason for bending over and touching your ankle was. You may remember the line from the movie Airplane!, “Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home.” Likewise, at that moment she’s thinking, “Mike never leans over and scratches his ankle at home.” She thinks it was all a rouse. A game. A sham. A big fix. A set up to give yourself a chance to instigate physical contact with another woman, no matter how brief. She’s staring at you right now. Her gaze is melting a hole right into the side of your head. The woman who’s leg you bumped has already been vaporized into dust. Now it’s time for your significant other to decide whether you should suffer the same fate, or be allowed to live to make good on your mistake.

As she begins to think about it, she remembers that she’s going to need help moving. And there are a couple rooms which need to be stripped and painted. Plus her taxes are gonna have to be done soon. And her car needs an oil change. So as it turns out, you still have some value left in you.

But be warned, my friends, your value has its limits.

Never, ever, ever, make any sort of decision without first looking at it from all possible angles. You must recognize every conceivable outcome before making a move of any sort. If necessary, you may wish to organize a support squad, or some sort of committee to help you through the difficult times. (For example, you were sent to buy a few items from the store. Very specific items. The problem arises when you discover that one or more of the items are not at the store. What then? Should you find a suitable replacement? Call her to ask her what you should do? Forget about that particular item all together? Go to another store to find the item? If you do go to another store to find the item, should you just buy all the items there? Is it important that all the items come from the same place? Or only important that you retrieve the items? As you can see, the possible list of scenarios is practically limitless. (If the process of retrieving the items takes longer than an hour should a call be placed to inform of the retrieval expedition’s status?) It just goes on and on. So don’t be afriad to have a cell phone ready and available to make conference calls to discuss the best course of action.

It wouldn’t hurt to have a couple of her friends on your speed dial either. Of course, before putting her friend’s numbers in there, be careful to consider all of the possible situations that could occur at her discovery of these numbers in your phone. It would be advisable to wait until your significant other is the one to suggest the inclusion of said numbers in your phone.

As you can see, this single rule of relationships is pretty much the only rule with which you need ever concern yourself. If you can master this single rule of love, then, my friends, you have found the meaning of life and can fully enjoy it in complete dominated happiness.

6 thoughts on “Some Valentine’s Day Advice

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