I was in bed the other night trying to fall asleep, but I couldn’t. For some reason, I was thinking about Stormtroopers. From Star Wars. The guys in the white armor.

Do you think there was like a Stormtrooper locker room on the Death Star? Would these guys hang out in the sauna together in their boxers and wife beaters waiting for their shift to come up?

epst_1.jpg“Aw, crap! The Raiders lost!”

Stormtrooper #1: Man, that was a tough shift.
Stormtrooper #2: You’re telling me. Vader strangled me with his mind again today. I’m really getting sick of that.
Stormtrooper #1: Seriously? He did it again? He must have it in for you.
Stormtrooper #2: I really think you might be right, but I don’t get it. I’m always nice to him. I always say, “hello, Lord Vader, you’re looking very scary in that dark and evil mask.” You would think he’d be a bit more open.
Stormtrooper #1: I hear ya brother, it’s not like he can tell any of us apart though. We are all cloned from the same guy. Maybe it’s just bad luck.
Stormtrooper#2: Well that would make sense I guess, but I mean come on, he’s singled me out like six days in a row.
Stormtrooper #1: Well, let me ask you this, have you given him a good reason to use the Force to cut off the air from traveling through your windpipe?
Stormtrooper #2: No.
Stormtrooper #1: C’mon now. Really?
Stormtrooper #2: Well, I guess I did let the rebels escape from the garbage smasher that one time.
Stormtrooper #1: Okay, see, there’s something.
Stormtrooper #2: And I did sort of accidentally turn off the tractor beam so that their ship could fly off the the Death Star.
Stormtrooper #1: I thought that Obi-Wan turned off the beam.
Stormtrooper #2: Well yeah, he did, but we caught on and turned it back on. But then I sort of accidentally turned it back off. I got confused.
Stormtrooper #1: Well there you go then. Vader’s not picking on you for no reason, you’ve actually deserved a little of the Force there.
Stormtrooper #2: I also told a joke about his mother once. I didn’t know he was standing behind me.
Stormtrooper #1: Okay, now that’s just dumb.
Stormtrooper #2: And then there was the time I painted my white suit with blackface and started breathing really heavily. I was saying stuff like, “I am your fatha,” and “I feel a presence I haven’t felt since… .”
Stormtrooper #1: Dude, why hasn’t he killed your dumb ass?
Stormtrooper #2: Turns out that his cousin, Janks, buys weed from my brother’s girlfriend’s mom. So Vader’s afraid she’ll quit selling to him if something bad happens to me.
Stormtrooper #1: Wait a minute, we’re all clones, how do you have a brother?
Stormtrooper #2: Oh, well he’s not my real brother, just some guy I met at Empire Records. But ol’ Darthy don’t know that now, do he?
Darth Vader: He does now.
Stormtrooper #2: Oh crap, Lord Vader, what a nice surprise. Did you like how I was joking there? Pretty funny, wasn’t it?
Darth Vader: I find your lack of a sense of humor disturbing.
Stormtrooper #2: Aaaccckkkeeerraaaaahhaaaaaaaa…..*dies*
Stormtrooper #1: Oh, wow, Lord Vader. Who knew you were in here? That’s unfortunate. I just want you to know that I never said anything bad about you. That was all this guy. I swear.
Darth Vader: Quit babbling you fool. You’re fine. He’s had this coming for a long time. Now help me get rid of the body before the Emperor finds out about this. He told me to quit killing you guys. It was getting expensive.
Stormtrooper #1: Sure thing, Darth, er, rather, Lord Vader. Sure thing.
Darth Vader: Say, you don’t know where I could get some weed, do you?

16 thoughts on “Stormtrooper Sauna

  1. Seriously man, that was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

    All my dreams are just crazy cracked-out psychedelia randomness. I wish I dreamed of Stormtroopers :(.

  2. Just to clarify, this wasn’t a dream. I was just laying in bed trying to fall asleep and I started thinking about this.

    Guess it was more of a day dream.

    Thanks for the kind words, though!

  3. Aren’t you a little short to be a stormtrooper, Fertig?

    I kid, I kid! Just a good natured ribbing here, Mikey.

    Ow. Stop that or I’ll crush you with The Force.

  4. Have you ever seen the Storm Trooper Pit Crew?

    George Lucas had an F1 team wear the suits during a race in Monaco to promote Episode III…

    They lost the race because both cars crashed. I guess they were pretty quick even in the suits though…

  5. Someone seriously needs to tell Vadar to lay off the weed. Now, now – it’s not that pot’s a bad thing… I’m just worried about him smoking too much, what with his asthma & all…

    Mike – this was funny as hell, and I’ll be forwarding it to my bro who will thoroughly enjoy it as well!

    I blogrolled ya – just so I can be a repeat offender (visitor) by the way…

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