I feel like it’s time for me to share another embarrassing fact about myself. When I was a freshman in high school I found myself particularly insecure about my eyebrows. I felt they were too thick and stood out like furry speed bumps on my forehead. I knew that people would do things to their eyebrows to make them thinner or less bushy, but at that age I really had no idea what plucking was. I don’t know if I’d ever actually heard this term before or not, but if I had, I think I must have just associated it with shaving.
But regardless of what I knew or didn’t know about eyebrow shaping, at that time, I felt I needed to do something to correct mine.
So I shaved off the ends of them.
That’s right. I sheared off a good quarter inch from the area of the eyebrow that’s on the outside of my face, nearest my temples. I think I did this because this was where they were the thinnest. There were the fewest hairs. So I figured that if plucking was to be done, one would pluck here. So why painfully pluck when I had a razor that seemed as though it would work just as well. So, before having to go to summer school class one day, I shaved the ends off, just like that.
It didn’t take me more than about half a second to recognize what a mistake I’d made. I’d actually managed to achieve the exact opposite of my goal. Rather than make my eyebrows appear thinner and less distinctive on my face, I in essence made a giant sign out of pink poster board with an arrow pointing at my forehead that read, “look at the goofy jackass with the stubby eyebrows. Please join us in laughing at him!”
I looked like a muppet.
And not one of the cool muppets either, but the dorky, stupid muppets that never get their own skits but rather run up to Kermit or Fozzy or something and end up doing stupid or clumsy things that almost ruin the show.
It was pretty damn tough to go to school that day. But I did. And yes, people did notice. When they asked I just told them that my parents beat me and they stopped asking questions.
I’m such an idiot sometimes.