My nose is running. I keep sniffing like every four to six seconds. My nose itches like someone is gently probing the inside of my nostrils with a vibrating coat hanger. My eyes are watering worse than when I watch the bikini scene from Fast Times At Ridgemont High (Phoebe Cates always tends to choke me up).
Allergy season comes every year around this time and every year around this time I find myself walking around in a half daze because my head is either so stuffed up that my brain feels like it’s been shut inside an empty box of Altoids, or I’m so high on allergy medication that my brain feels like a piece of broccoli dipped in bacon fat. Either way, I’m generally miserable.
I think I’d rather have an allergy that I can somewhat control. Like being allergic to peanuts. I’m sure this sucks because you have to be careful what you eat and everything, but at least you can take preventive measures to avoid it. I have no choice, it’s in the freakin’ air. Of course, I guess some people could die if they eat peanut stuff. So really, that’s worse after all. So forget I brought that up.
But that doesn’t mean I won’t still complain about my hayfever.
Once, when I was like ten years old or so, I put a dandelion to my nose and took as big a sniff as I could, just to see what would happen. The resulting 60 minutes were some of the most unbearable minutes I’ve spent on this earth. It was even worse than that time that I tried shaving my face with lemon juice instead of shaving cream. My body immediately erupted in a fit of sneezing unlike anything I’ve experienced before or since. My nose began to excrete it’s byproduct at a particularly alarming rate. I think I lost five pounds through snot evacuation alone. I mean honestly, I don’t think I can put into words just how uncomfortable this situation was. I remember laying in my bedroom in a fetal position while rocking back and forth just wishing that it would all go away.
But right now it’s killing me. I’m sure people think I’m either stoned or drunk based on the redness of my eyes.
Unfortunately, I’m not.
I’m merely suffering from hayfever.