Dipping into the Negative Waves archives

I haven’t really posted anything significant in a little while, so I thought I thought I’d dive into the archives of Negative Waves and pull out one of my old columns. One of my friends didn’t know what the acronym KIT stood for. So I was reminded of this column I wrote in 2003 about signing yearbooks. It’s one of my earlier Negative Waves pieces, but it’s still one of my favorites. Hope you like it.

If you enjoy this, check out my archive at Negative Waves. There’s a bunch of good stuff there. There’s probably a bunch of crap in there too, but still.

(UPDATE: Unfortunately, Negative Waves and the Negative Waves archives no longer exist as far as I can tell, so these links won’t take you anywhere. But rest assured that Negative Waves was once a thriving community of talented writers. RIP, Negative Waves.)

Summer is quickly approaching which means that school is out soon. With the end of school, come yearbooks. With yearbooks, come catchy phrases to write in yearbooks. I have a friend who is a teacher in Houston, Texas. He asked me what he should write in his students’ yearbooks when they asked him to sign theirs. It was then that it occurred to me that there really isn’t any resource out there for teachers to consult when faced with this dilemma. Therefore, it is with great pride that today I will unveil the “Ultimate Guide to Yearbook Phrases for Teachers.”

Please, feel free to use these as you will. There is no need to give credit to me, as I provide this service for the betterment of my readers, not for my own glory.

Before reading the individual phases I have come up with for you, take a moment to understand a few things about yearbook signing in general. In fact, before I even get into that, I should point out that these phrases are in no way strictly for yearbook usage. Feel free to use these on office birthday cards, e-mail conversation threads, bathroom walls, or anyplace you feel that something like this might be appropriate. Please take care to recognize, though, that certain phrases might need altering to fit the medium into which you decide to share the phrase.

For example, let’s start with the phrase: “You were in my class? I don’t remember teaching you.” Now if you were going to sign a birthday card for a co-worker, it might read something like: “Not really sure who you are, but I’ll be eating your birthday cake.”

Now, getting back to the understanding of signing things (yearbooks, group birthday cards, wedding guest books, 8×10 glossy headshots) it’s important to recognize that people want to remember you for the rest of their lives. You have to go into each new signing thinking that you are the most important person in their lives. Sign like you are somebody. Imagine that when you’re rich and famous, your autograph could end up on eBay. The more clever and witty you are in your signature, the more your memorabilia will be worth.

Here’s an example of a signature I uncovered in my senior yearbook (note that it lacks a signature and anything indicating who this person is):

“Hey Mikey, it was great having class with you. You are the greatest person in this school. I can’t imagine having class without you, or even living without you for that matter. When it comes to all around great people, you’re it, man! It’s so cool to know that I can say that I went to high school with you. KIT, man. I mean it, we really need to KIT. Have a great summer!”

It seems like every single signature I got in my yearbook read just like this. I had so many people write the same thing over and over again that I actually had to get a second yearbook to accommodate all the people who wanted to sign my book. This is simply poor form. The signing of another person’s yearbook is your chance to live forever for that person. I already know I’m great, tell me about you. When I read my yearbook in 30 years, chances are good that I’ll still know who I am. I probably won’t, however, remember you unless you write something in my yearbook that makes me remember you.

Here’s an example of what I wrote in someone else’s yearbook. I’ve included some explanation for your benefit in parentheses:

“Hey, Dog. (I couldn’t remember this person’s name). Man, another year gone by, hoo-boy, eh? I tell you what, I’m so glad you had the chance to get to know me. (Remind them of how much they wanted you to sign their book). Boy, how ’bout that class we had with old Whats-his-name, uh? (I don’t remember ever having a class with this person, but I like to make them feel like I know who the hell they are). And remember that one day after school? Who could forget it? (I did. Don’t know if I ever saw this person after school or in school for that matter). Well, Dog, KIT (More on acronyms later), and stay coolio. (By adding the -io to the word cool, I’m protecting myself in case this person was never actually cool. By telling them to stay Coolio, you’re essentially telling them to stay something that they think might be cool, but if they’re not sure, they probably aren’t cool, so it’s ok, because you’re not telling them to stay cool at all, you’re just making up a silly word).”

So now you can sort of see how a successful yearbook signing would go. The above example works for student to student signings. Teacher to student signings are much different. Teachers have to be direct and to the point in their signings. Students should never expect to read something fluffy and trite written by their teacher. On the contrary, it should be succinct and to the point.

Here’s an example of something a teacher wrote in volume two of my senior yearbook:

“Mr. Fertig, if only every student could be like you….Signed, Mrs. Almanza-Sanchez-Zolanski”

So, without further ado, here is the Ultimate Guide to Yearbook Phrases for Teachers:

* You were in my class?
* You have no chance of succeeding in life. Have a good summer.
* I come from Chi-town, and here in Chi-town, we don’t sign yearbooks, we tag ‘em, Shorty.
* If I were a tree, I’d be pine tree so that my fresh fragrance would cover up your awful stink you smelly little bastard.
* Can I get your mom’s phone number?
* If I were you, I’d stop talking anymore.
* Any chance your parents are split up? ‘Cause your mom is way hot.
* No one has ever peed their pants in my class more than you.
* It’s people like you that make me want to quit my job.
* You didn’t come close to passing my class. I just didn’t want to have to teach you again.
* Looks like I’ll be seeing you here again next year, Flunky McFlunk.
* I told those bullies to pick on you.
* Did you know I can’t stand children.
* I have your picture on my wall at home. It inspires me to hate all things child.
* I lowered your SAT scores.
* When I told you that you did a fine job on your science project, I was lying because your dad was there. It was the stupidest thing I’d seen since you brought in your pillow for show-and-tell. Dumbass.
* I have a pretty good feeling you’re going to turn out gay.
* I stole money from your jacket while you were at recess, sucker.
* You better be good at sports, cause you’re dumber than a fire hose.
* I’ve always wondered, do dorks know when they’re dorks? Cause you’re a dork.
* If you weren’t in seventh grade, you’d make a great date.
* I must have seen you eat your own boogers at least six times. I also saw you eat the dried boogers from under your desk. You sickened and repulsed me like I never have been. Have a nice summer.
* I’ll try being nice when you try being smart.
* (written to a boy) You’d lose your penis if it wasn’t sewn on to your vagina.

So there you have it. Sometimes even the shortest lists can still be the Ultimate Guides. A short list that should help out teachers across the country and of any grade level in the thankless task of yearbook signing. I provide this service out of love for teachers and I recognize that they hold our world’s future in their hands.

Some of you may remember the little acronyms kids used in yearbooks. Such as the one mentioned earlier, KIT, or Keep In Touch. These acronyms were shortcuts to phrases we all knew, so there was no reason to actually write the whole thing out. Below I’ve listed a complete guide to yearbook acronyms. This guide can be used by either students who need to brush up after a year off from yearbook signing, or by teachers who simply aren’t up on all the current phrases, or by parents who wish to decipher what their kids are saying to each other.

Behold:

* KIT=Keep In Touch (the old stand-by)
* BFF=Best Friends Forever (a touching way to let your best friend know how you feel)
* HAGS=Have A Great Summer (not hard to figure out)
* TAS=Take A Shower (a subtle way to let the stinky kid know where he stands)
* NYWU=Next Year Wear Underwear (generally used by teachers and written for the exhibitionist Lolita that sits in the front row)
* YMIH=Your Mom is Hot (can be used by students or teachers)
* YHNCOSILSQN=You Have No Chance Of Succeeding In Life So Quit Now (again, most often used by teachers)
* TFTBJ=Thanks For The Blow Job (surprisingly, this is becoming more popular in male/male yearbook signings as well)
* SISYIYL=Sorry I Shut You In Your Locker (bullies often feel bad for their victims on yearbook signing day)
* RPYHWYPWOOT=Rockin’ Party You Had When Your Parents Were Out Of Town (this one’s pretty self explanatory)
* ETISYFIWTSOI=Every Time I See Your Face I Want To Spit On It (this is a special way to tell a person how you feel. This doesn’t always have to be a negative comment either, depending on what you’re into).

That concludes the incomplete list of yearbook acronyms for now. I hope you’ve enjoyed this service I’ve provided. It would please me greatly to know that teachers and students across this great land of ours are communicating properly through their yearbooks signings.

Until the next issue of Negative Waves, SMMIDGPFWT (Send Me Money, I Don’t Get Paid For Writing This).

Some Valentine’s Day Advice

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Now, since I’m clearly extremely successful in handling my own relationships, I figured I’d take a quick moment to provide all of you with a few helpful hints about maintaining a good relationship with your significant other.

The most important thing to remember at all times is to always consider what affect any particular action you are about to make is going to have on your relationship. For example, let’s say you’re sitting on a crowded bus and you suddenly feel an itch on your ankle. If you are thinking from a relationship point of view, you have to recognize the potential ramifications of simply reaching down and scratching that itch.

Let’s say you bend over in your seat, which happens to be one of the bench seats on the bus that faces inward. There are people standing all up and down the aisle. When you reach down to scratch that ankle, you inadvertantly bump your head into the leg of a woman who happens to be standing there. The woman looks down, smiles at you as you say, “pardon me,” and you go back to sitting up as your itch has been scratched.

But unbeknownst to you, your significant other is sitting beside you, watching you. Gauging you. Trying to figure out what your real reason for bending over and touching your ankle was. You may remember the line from the movie Airplane!, “Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home.” Likewise, at that moment she’s thinking, “Mike never leans over and scratches his ankle at home.” She thinks it was all a rouse. A game. A sham. A big fix. A set up to give yourself a chance to instigate physical contact with another woman, no matter how brief. She’s staring at you right now. Her gaze is melting a hole right into the side of your head. The woman who’s leg you bumped has already been vaporized into dust. Now it’s time for your significant other to decide whether you should suffer the same fate, or be allowed to live to make good on your mistake.

As she begins to think about it, she remembers that she’s going to need help moving. And there are a couple rooms which need to be stripped and painted. Plus her taxes are gonna have to be done soon. And her car needs an oil change. So as it turns out, you still have some value left in you.

But be warned, my friends, your value has its limits.

Never, ever, ever, make any sort of decision without first looking at it from all possible angles. You must recognize every conceivable outcome before making a move of any sort. If necessary, you may wish to organize a support squad, or some sort of committee to help you through the difficult times. (For example, you were sent to buy a few items from the store. Very specific items. The problem arises when you discover that one or more of the items are not at the store. What then? Should you find a suitable replacement? Call her to ask her what you should do? Forget about that particular item all together? Go to another store to find the item? If you do go to another store to find the item, should you just buy all the items there? Is it important that all the items come from the same place? Or only important that you retrieve the items? As you can see, the possible list of scenarios is practically limitless. (If the process of retrieving the items takes longer than an hour should a call be placed to inform of the retrieval expedition’s status?) It just goes on and on. So don’t be afriad to have a cell phone ready and available to make conference calls to discuss the best course of action.

It wouldn’t hurt to have a couple of her friends on your speed dial either. Of course, before putting her friend’s numbers in there, be careful to consider all of the possible situations that could occur at her discovery of these numbers in your phone. It would be advisable to wait until your significant other is the one to suggest the inclusion of said numbers in your phone.

As you can see, this single rule of relationships is pretty much the only rule with which you need ever concern yourself. If you can master this single rule of love, then, my friends, you have found the meaning of life and can fully enjoy it in complete dominated happiness.