My Bid For Presidency

As the primary elections begin to heat up for the big election next year, I’m reminded an article I posted on Negative Waves a few years back. I thought I’d repost it below for your enjoyment.

Since I’ve been so lazy lately as far as writing here, I figured the least I could do is pull out some old stuff for your enjoyement. I’ll try to get back to writing fresh stuff soon.

I’ve decided that I need some more excitement in my life. I need a part-time job or something. First of all, I could use the extra cash. Second of all, I just feel like I could really stand to fill my free time a little better. So I decided that I should analyze my talents to decide what I might be good at. So here’s a list of my talents, all six of them:

1. I’m tallish.
2. I can make farting noises with my hands.
3. I can drive a car with a manual transmission.
4. I can juggle three easy to catch objects for anywhere from 5 to 38 seconds.
5. I’m good at standing behind podiums.
6. I like to sit around and have people tell me stuff.

So naturally, I realized that the part time jobs that would work best for me would be a cashier at Barnes & Noble, a bartender, a taxi driver, a grocery stock boy, or the President of the United States.

I think being President might pay the most, so I decided to go ahead and apply for that job. It turns out though, that you can’t just apply for it. You also have to get elected or something. And apparently not even by a majority vote, from what I understand. So that sounds good to me. I’m announcing that I’m running to be hired as the president of the United States.

So my job application says that I should list reasons why I would make a good president. This was sort of like the time I got the job at Sears Paint and Hardware and they asked me why I’d make a good hardware store employee. I said, “I would make a good hardware store employee because I’m tall and can reach the paint on the top shelves.” That did the trick, I think, ’cause I got hired.

So since I need to be elected by you, the general public, I thought I would share my list of reasons why you should vote for me for president:

  1. A TV in every bathroom and an armed guard in every driveway.
  2. I’ll get our girl scout troops out of Iroc Z Camaros.
  3. I will declare war on the real villains in this world, people who chase an inside straight and get it on the river.
  4. I haven’t taken a vacation that’s lasted more than five days in years. So I won’t expect to have to do that.
  5. I’ve never tried heroine, but I love a good gyro.
  6. I will pronounce words correctly on national television.
  7. Though I may look funny, I won’t give funny looks unless I’m trying to be funny.
  8. I’ll leave a child or two behind. (But not yours, I swear.)
  9. If I have a dog in the White House that son-of-a-bitch (literally) is gonna be a great big, bad-ass German Shepherd-Pitbull mix, and it’s gonna be angry. Really, really angry.
  10. I won’t invite winning baseball/football/basketball teams to the White House. I’ll make them invite me to each of their houses, the rich bastards.
  11. My vice-president will be Dave Chappelle.
  12. I’ll sit in the coach section of Air Force One. (But I’ll get the whole row to myself.)
  13. I’ll take half of the Federal Reserve’s cash to Vegas and put it all on black. If I win I’m going to the Bunny Ranch. If I lose, I’m taking the other half and going to the all-you-can-eat shrimp bar.
  14. I’ll change the National Anthem from the “Star Spangled Banner” to “Hammer of Love” by Bad Company.
  15. When giving my State of the Union Address, I’ll always wear a Hawaiian shirt and be drinking a Singapore Sling. Every time I say the word “crisis” I have to drink.
  16. I’ll challenge the heads of state of other countries to games of Golden Tee in exchange for natural resources.
  17. If the time comes for us to go to war with a country possessing nuclear capabilities, I’ll hold a contest to see who gets to push the button. Who knows, it could be you!
  18. I’ll give a full pardon to Shoeless Joe Jackson and Buck Weaver and personally induct them into baseball’s Hall of Fame.
  19. My election victory party will be held in the Grotto at the Playboy Mansion, and Fred Durst won’t be invited. In fact, James Caan will be personally in charge of my guest list. We’re gonna party old school.
  20. Ben Affleck will be immediately executed for crimes against the state. Namely, reproducing.
  21. I’ll take control of the National Hockey League and I’ll make some changes. I’ll make the goal bigger, I’ll get rid of icing, I’ll take away the goalie’s stick, and I’ll get rid of the sport of hockey.
  22. I’ll take the Pledge of Allegiance out of the classrooms. I’ll replace it with the reciting of the lyrics to “Rockin’ Into the Night” by .38 Special.
  23. I’ll make it a law that people have to post their cell-phone numbers on their car bumpers so we can call the idiots to tell them how much they suck at driving.
  24. I’ll change the national bird from the bald eagle to the middle finger.
  25. When Superman saves the Eiffel tower from a bomb planted beneath an elevator by sending it into space and the resulting explosion sets free three alien criminals from their two-dimensional glass prison and they come to Earth demanding to meet the president, I won’t hide behind my vice-president. And the first thing I’ll do once I get rid of them is send a memo to Superman asking what the hell he’s doing helping out the freakin’ French in the first place.
  26. I will change the official term “First Lady” to “My Baby’s Momma.”
  27. At press conferences, I’ll be the one who gets to ask the questions.
  28. I’ll legalize gambling in the District of Columbia.
  29. I’ll change the Columbia so it will become the District of Poopfaces.
  30. I’ll consider changing Washington D.C.’s name to Washing A.C./D.C.
  31. I’ll replace “God Bless America” with “Low Spark of High Heeled Boys” by Traffic.
  32. I’ll get to decide what to name hurricanes. Instead of sissy names like Katrina or Rita we’ll have names that will scare people away and save lives. Like Hurricane Gotti, Hurricane Bundy, or Hurricane Bea Arthur.
  33. The White House will be painted a different color so as to be more racially friendly. Perhaps eggshell.
  34. Women’s beach volleyball will be assigned it’s own major network. 24 hours of women playing volleyball on the beach!
  35. I’ll make my sister the governor of Florida after I’m president.
  36. All Washington D.C. sports teams will use my name as their moniker. The Washington Wizards will become the Washington Mikeys.

So remember, come election time, say “yes” to Mikey for President.

Dipping into the Negative Waves archives

I haven’t really posted anything significant in a little while, so I thought I thought I’d dive into the archives of Negative Waves and pull out one of my old columns. One of my friends didn’t know what the acronym KIT stood for. So I was reminded of this column I wrote in 2003 about signing yearbooks. It’s one of my earlier Negative Waves pieces, but it’s still one of my favorites. Hope you like it.

If you enjoy this, check out my archive at Negative Waves. There’s a bunch of good stuff there. There’s probably a bunch of crap in there too, but still.

(UPDATE: Unfortunately, Negative Waves and the Negative Waves archives no longer exist as far as I can tell, so these links won’t take you anywhere. But rest assured that Negative Waves was once a thriving community of talented writers. RIP, Negative Waves.)

Summer is quickly approaching which means that school is out soon. With the end of school, come yearbooks. With yearbooks, come catchy phrases to write in yearbooks. I have a friend who is a teacher in Houston, Texas. He asked me what he should write in his students’ yearbooks when they asked him to sign theirs. It was then that it occurred to me that there really isn’t any resource out there for teachers to consult when faced with this dilemma. Therefore, it is with great pride that today I will unveil the “Ultimate Guide to Yearbook Phrases for Teachers.”

Please, feel free to use these as you will. There is no need to give credit to me, as I provide this service for the betterment of my readers, not for my own glory.

Before reading the individual phases I have come up with for you, take a moment to understand a few things about yearbook signing in general. In fact, before I even get into that, I should point out that these phrases are in no way strictly for yearbook usage. Feel free to use these on office birthday cards, e-mail conversation threads, bathroom walls, or anyplace you feel that something like this might be appropriate. Please take care to recognize, though, that certain phrases might need altering to fit the medium into which you decide to share the phrase.

For example, let’s start with the phrase: “You were in my class? I don’t remember teaching you.” Now if you were going to sign a birthday card for a co-worker, it might read something like: “Not really sure who you are, but I’ll be eating your birthday cake.”

Now, getting back to the understanding of signing things (yearbooks, group birthday cards, wedding guest books, 8×10 glossy headshots) it’s important to recognize that people want to remember you for the rest of their lives. You have to go into each new signing thinking that you are the most important person in their lives. Sign like you are somebody. Imagine that when you’re rich and famous, your autograph could end up on eBay. The more clever and witty you are in your signature, the more your memorabilia will be worth.

Here’s an example of a signature I uncovered in my senior yearbook (note that it lacks a signature and anything indicating who this person is):

“Hey Mikey, it was great having class with you. You are the greatest person in this school. I can’t imagine having class without you, or even living without you for that matter. When it comes to all around great people, you’re it, man! It’s so cool to know that I can say that I went to high school with you. KIT, man. I mean it, we really need to KIT. Have a great summer!”

It seems like every single signature I got in my yearbook read just like this. I had so many people write the same thing over and over again that I actually had to get a second yearbook to accommodate all the people who wanted to sign my book. This is simply poor form. The signing of another person’s yearbook is your chance to live forever for that person. I already know I’m great, tell me about you. When I read my yearbook in 30 years, chances are good that I’ll still know who I am. I probably won’t, however, remember you unless you write something in my yearbook that makes me remember you.

Here’s an example of what I wrote in someone else’s yearbook. I’ve included some explanation for your benefit in parentheses:

“Hey, Dog. (I couldn’t remember this person’s name). Man, another year gone by, hoo-boy, eh? I tell you what, I’m so glad you had the chance to get to know me. (Remind them of how much they wanted you to sign their book). Boy, how ’bout that class we had with old Whats-his-name, uh? (I don’t remember ever having a class with this person, but I like to make them feel like I know who the hell they are). And remember that one day after school? Who could forget it? (I did. Don’t know if I ever saw this person after school or in school for that matter). Well, Dog, KIT (More on acronyms later), and stay coolio. (By adding the -io to the word cool, I’m protecting myself in case this person was never actually cool. By telling them to stay Coolio, you’re essentially telling them to stay something that they think might be cool, but if they’re not sure, they probably aren’t cool, so it’s ok, because you’re not telling them to stay cool at all, you’re just making up a silly word).”

So now you can sort of see how a successful yearbook signing would go. The above example works for student to student signings. Teacher to student signings are much different. Teachers have to be direct and to the point in their signings. Students should never expect to read something fluffy and trite written by their teacher. On the contrary, it should be succinct and to the point.

Here’s an example of something a teacher wrote in volume two of my senior yearbook:

“Mr. Fertig, if only every student could be like you….Signed, Mrs. Almanza-Sanchez-Zolanski”

So, without further ado, here is the Ultimate Guide to Yearbook Phrases for Teachers:

* You were in my class?
* You have no chance of succeeding in life. Have a good summer.
* I come from Chi-town, and here in Chi-town, we don’t sign yearbooks, we tag ‘em, Shorty.
* If I were a tree, I’d be pine tree so that my fresh fragrance would cover up your awful stink you smelly little bastard.
* Can I get your mom’s phone number?
* If I were you, I’d stop talking anymore.
* Any chance your parents are split up? ‘Cause your mom is way hot.
* No one has ever peed their pants in my class more than you.
* It’s people like you that make me want to quit my job.
* You didn’t come close to passing my class. I just didn’t want to have to teach you again.
* Looks like I’ll be seeing you here again next year, Flunky McFlunk.
* I told those bullies to pick on you.
* Did you know I can’t stand children.
* I have your picture on my wall at home. It inspires me to hate all things child.
* I lowered your SAT scores.
* When I told you that you did a fine job on your science project, I was lying because your dad was there. It was the stupidest thing I’d seen since you brought in your pillow for show-and-tell. Dumbass.
* I have a pretty good feeling you’re going to turn out gay.
* I stole money from your jacket while you were at recess, sucker.
* You better be good at sports, cause you’re dumber than a fire hose.
* I’ve always wondered, do dorks know when they’re dorks? Cause you’re a dork.
* If you weren’t in seventh grade, you’d make a great date.
* I must have seen you eat your own boogers at least six times. I also saw you eat the dried boogers from under your desk. You sickened and repulsed me like I never have been. Have a nice summer.
* I’ll try being nice when you try being smart.
* (written to a boy) You’d lose your penis if it wasn’t sewn on to your vagina.

So there you have it. Sometimes even the shortest lists can still be the Ultimate Guides. A short list that should help out teachers across the country and of any grade level in the thankless task of yearbook signing. I provide this service out of love for teachers and I recognize that they hold our world’s future in their hands.

Some of you may remember the little acronyms kids used in yearbooks. Such as the one mentioned earlier, KIT, or Keep In Touch. These acronyms were shortcuts to phrases we all knew, so there was no reason to actually write the whole thing out. Below I’ve listed a complete guide to yearbook acronyms. This guide can be used by either students who need to brush up after a year off from yearbook signing, or by teachers who simply aren’t up on all the current phrases, or by parents who wish to decipher what their kids are saying to each other.

Behold:

* KIT=Keep In Touch (the old stand-by)
* BFF=Best Friends Forever (a touching way to let your best friend know how you feel)
* HAGS=Have A Great Summer (not hard to figure out)
* TAS=Take A Shower (a subtle way to let the stinky kid know where he stands)
* NYWU=Next Year Wear Underwear (generally used by teachers and written for the exhibitionist Lolita that sits in the front row)
* YMIH=Your Mom is Hot (can be used by students or teachers)
* YHNCOSILSQN=You Have No Chance Of Succeeding In Life So Quit Now (again, most often used by teachers)
* TFTBJ=Thanks For The Blow Job (surprisingly, this is becoming more popular in male/male yearbook signings as well)
* SISYIYL=Sorry I Shut You In Your Locker (bullies often feel bad for their victims on yearbook signing day)
* RPYHWYPWOOT=Rockin’ Party You Had When Your Parents Were Out Of Town (this one’s pretty self explanatory)
* ETISYFIWTSOI=Every Time I See Your Face I Want To Spit On It (this is a special way to tell a person how you feel. This doesn’t always have to be a negative comment either, depending on what you’re into).

That concludes the incomplete list of yearbook acronyms for now. I hope you’ve enjoyed this service I’ve provided. It would please me greatly to know that teachers and students across this great land of ours are communicating properly through their yearbooks signings.

Until the next issue of Negative Waves, SMMIDGPFWT (Send Me Money, I Don’t Get Paid For Writing This).