Stormtrooper Sauna

I was in bed the other night trying to fall asleep, but I couldn’t. For some reason, I was thinking about Stormtroopers. From Star Wars. The guys in the white armor.

Do you think there was like a Stormtrooper locker room on the Death Star? Would these guys hang out in the sauna together in their boxers and wife beaters waiting for their shift to come up?

epst_1.jpg“Aw, crap! The Raiders lost!”

Stormtrooper #1: Man, that was a tough shift.
Stormtrooper #2: You’re telling me. Vader strangled me with his mind again today. I’m really getting sick of that.
Stormtrooper #1: Seriously? He did it again? He must have it in for you.
Stormtrooper #2: I really think you might be right, but I don’t get it. I’m always nice to him. I always say, “hello, Lord Vader, you’re looking very scary in that dark and evil mask.” You would think he’d be a bit more open.
Stormtrooper #1: I hear ya brother, it’s not like he can tell any of us apart though. We are all cloned from the same guy. Maybe it’s just bad luck.
Stormtrooper#2: Well that would make sense I guess, but I mean come on, he’s singled me out like six days in a row.
Stormtrooper #1: Well, let me ask you this, have you given him a good reason to use the Force to cut off the air from traveling through your windpipe?
Stormtrooper #2: No.
Stormtrooper #1: C’mon now. Really?
Stormtrooper #2: Well, I guess I did let the rebels escape from the garbage smasher that one time.
Stormtrooper #1: Okay, see, there’s something.
Stormtrooper #2: And I did sort of accidentally turn off the tractor beam so that their ship could fly off the the Death Star.
Stormtrooper #1: I thought that Obi-Wan turned off the beam.
Stormtrooper #2: Well yeah, he did, but we caught on and turned it back on. But then I sort of accidentally turned it back off. I got confused.
Stormtrooper #1: Well there you go then. Vader’s not picking on you for no reason, you’ve actually deserved a little of the Force there.
Stormtrooper #2: I also told a joke about his mother once. I didn’t know he was standing behind me.
Stormtrooper #1: Okay, now that’s just dumb.
Stormtrooper #2: And then there was the time I painted my white suit with blackface and started breathing really heavily. I was saying stuff like, “I am your fatha,” and “I feel a presence I haven’t felt since… .”
Stormtrooper #1: Dude, why hasn’t he killed your dumb ass?
Stormtrooper #2: Turns out that his cousin, Janks, buys weed from my brother’s girlfriend’s mom. So Vader’s afraid she’ll quit selling to him if something bad happens to me.
Stormtrooper #1: Wait a minute, we’re all clones, how do you have a brother?
Stormtrooper #2: Oh, well he’s not my real brother, just some guy I met at Empire Records. But ol’ Darthy don’t know that now, do he?
Darth Vader: He does now.
Stormtrooper #2: Oh crap, Lord Vader, what a nice surprise. Did you like how I was joking there? Pretty funny, wasn’t it?
Darth Vader: I find your lack of a sense of humor disturbing.
Stormtrooper #2: Aaaccckkkeeerraaaaahhaaaaaaaa…..*dies*
Stormtrooper #1: Oh, wow, Lord Vader. Who knew you were in here? That’s unfortunate. I just want you to know that I never said anything bad about you. That was all this guy. I swear.
Darth Vader: Quit babbling you fool. You’re fine. He’s had this coming for a long time. Now help me get rid of the body before the Emperor finds out about this. He told me to quit killing you guys. It was getting expensive.
Stormtrooper #1: Sure thing, Darth, er, rather, Lord Vader. Sure thing.
Darth Vader: Say, you don’t know where I could get some weed, do you?

Ricardo Montalban – Lima Bean Farmer?

Someone once asked me, “What’s on your mind, Mikey? What are you thinking about?”

More often than not, I’d answer with something like, “Nuthin’. Why? What are you thinking about?”

But today, if someone were to ask me that question, I’d have a different answer for them. Today, that conversation would go something like this:

OTHER PERSON (assume this is a dude): “What’s on your mind, Mikey? What are you thinking about?”
ME: “Actually, I was thinking about lima beans.”
OP: “Lima beans?”
ME: “Yep.”
OP: “Huh. That’s odd.”
ME: “Yep.”
OP: “Any particular reason you happen to be thinking about lima beans right now?”
ME: “Probably, but I can’t really remember.”
OP: “I see.”
ME: “Do you?”
OP: “Well, actually, no. I guess not.”
ME: “I didn’t think so.”
OP: “Well let’s try to figure it out.”
ME: “Let’s.”
OP: “Okay. Were you thinking about soup or anything earlier?”
ME: “I dunno? Why would I be thinking about soup? That seems like a pretty odd question.”
OP: “Well I was just thinking that some soups have lima beans.”
ME: “Oh! The lima beans. I forgot that’s what we were still talking about.”
OP: “Yeah.”
ME: “Okay.”
OP: “So you weren’t thinking about soup then?”
ME: “No. At least I don’t think so.”
OP: “Well then what other things have lima beans in them?”
ME: “Um, stew? I think some sorts of stews have lima beans in them.”
OP: “Were you thinking about stew?”
ME: “No.”
OP: “Oh.”
ME: “I like stew.”
OP: “Yeah?”
ME: “Yeah.”
OP: “Okay. So you weren’t thinking about soup or stew.”
ME: “Well, I might’ve been.”
OP: “Are you sure?”
ME: “No. Not really.”
OP: “You’re not really helping here, are you?”
ME: “Well, I’m not sure I understand why it’s important we figure out the reason that I was thinking about lima beans.”
OP: “Well what if it had something to do with something else? Maybe it could actually be a very important thing.”
ME: “How could lima beans possibly be important?”
OP: “Because, maybe you overheard someone talking about something and that something could have been like some murder plot or a planned governement overthrow and the words ‘lima beans’ might have been the subliminal trigger used to trigger the unknowing assassin.
ME: “You watched Naked Gun last night, didn’t you?”
OP: “Yeah, how’d you know?”
ME: “No reason.”
OP: “Bull.”
ME: “Remember him from Night Court?”
OP: “Yeah. What a great show. I miss that one.”
ME: “Me too.”
OP: “Wait, why’d you ask me about Naked Gun? How’d you know I watched it?”
ME: “Because, you dorksweat, that’s sort of what happens to Reggie Jackson in the movie. He’s playing right field for the Angels and Ricardo Montalban triggers something so that Reggie will shoot the Queen of England with a gun that happens to be hidden under second base.”
OP: “I never knew the Queen was a baseball fan.”
ME: “I think it’s because she can’t figure out cricket.”
OP: “Why would the Queen go to see an Angel’s game though? When that movie was made they sucked.”
ME: “I know. It’d be like the Queen coming to America and going to a Bob Saget stand-up show.”
OP: “Don’t knock Bob Saget, you fucker.”
ME: “Don’t knock Bob Saget? What’s wrong with you?”
OP: “I happen to be a very big Bob Saget fan. He was to Full House what Henry Winkler was to Happy Days.”
ME: “That’s it, you’re crazy.”
OP: “Alright, tough guy. Let’s go. Them’s fightin’ words.”
ME: “Are you serious? You want to fight to defend Bob Saget’s honor?”
OP: “That’s right I do. Now put ‘em up. I’m gonna give you a knuckle sandwich for lunch.”
ME: “Hey remember when you came in here, you asked me what I was thinking about?”
OP: “Yeah.”
ME: “Do you remember what you were doing right before then?”
OP: “Yeah. I was licking a stamp.”
ME: “Right. But it was the kind of stamp that’s a sticker.”
OP: “So? I stopped licking when I figured that out.”
ME: “Well I just remembered what I was thinking.”
OP: “You did?”
ME: “Yes.”
OP: “Well?”
ME: “I was thinking about what an idiot you are.”
OP: “Hey, now. Wait a second.”
ME: “No! It’s true. I mean you were licking a stamp that was actually a sticker so you could make it stick. And now you want to fight because I might’ve made fun of Bob Saget.”
OP: “Well what’s all that got to do with what you thinking about earlier?”
ME: “Do you remember what I was thinking about earlier?”
OP: “Lima beans.”
ME: “Right. And what was one of the things you asked me?”
OP: “Were you thinking about soup?”
ME: “After that.”
OP: “Were you thinking about stew?”
ME: “Before that.”
OP: “Why don’t you love me?”
ME: “Um, no. You never asked me that. And now I think I’d like to leave.”
OP: “Oh. WAIT! I remember! I asked you if you knew what other things had lima beans in them.”
ME: “Right.”
OP: “So you were thinking about something that had lima beans in them?”
ME: “Indeed I was.”
OP: “You’re about to say that I have lima beans in my head, aren’t you?”
ME: “Aw, no c’mon, what sort of person do you think I am?”
OP: “Well, you can be an asshole sometimes, you know.”
ME: “Now I think we both know that’s impossible. I’m far too nice of a guy to ever be an asshole.”
OP: “No. Sometimes you can be an asshole.”
ME: “Alright, lima bean brain. You have lima beans in your head!”
OP: —-
ME: —-
OP: “Asshole.”
ME: “Lima.”
OP: “Why don’t you love me anyway?”
ME: “Good-night, everybody!”