Phrases Sure to Catch On

I’m sick of phrases like “jump the shark,” and “wardrobe malfunction,” and “quit grabbing my breasts.” It’s time we got some new phrases out there. Call them catchphrases, if you will, call them whatever you like, but the American vernacular needs some enlivening, and I’m just the self-proclaimed English Language guru to do it.

Shank the Shank – I’m sick of people saing “yada, yada, yada.” It was funny for a few days in nineteen-ninety-whatever when it first appeared on Seinfeld. Now it’s just old and overplayed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of Seinfeld, but, I could probably write a whole post about over-used Seinfeldisms. For example, when discussing homosexuality, quit saying “not that there’s anything wrong with that.” We all know you’re a homophobe. Saying that isn’t the get-out-of-foot-in-mouth-jail card that it once was. And so many people are openly gay these days, that it’s not even as tabboo of a subject as it was when that episode appeared. So just quit it already!

Cheek Breeze – To pass gas. To break wind. A fart. For example: Whoa boy, someone crack a window! I’ve got a wicked case of cheek breeze over here.

Hold the Turkey – This would be what we might exclaim when we can’t believe something. It could replace, “hold the phone,” or “wait a second.” Example: Hold the turkey! He said he had sex with who?

Squirt the Tube – Get bent out of shape. Example: Dude, just because I tattooed a picture of Bea Arthur on your thigh while you were asleep is no reason to squirt the tube!

Jerking the Shaleighleigh – Hooking and/or slicing in golf. This will be the generic term used to describe either of these unwanted, yet all too common, end results of a golf swing. Example: I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. I’m lined up straight, my grip seems to be good, the hips are following through, but yet I’m still jerking the shaleighleigh.

Mash and Go – This is a bit confusing, so stay with me. You know when you want to say something to someone but you don’t want to be overheard? Yes, well of course one would generally whisper in those moments. But there are certain times when whispering feels like it would almost be more conspicuous than talking normally. So as a result, we almost end up raising our voices while speaking our statements in a garbled manner, thereby generally drawing more attention to ourselves than we realize, even though we think we’re being totally sneaky. That would be what’s known as a mash and go.

Disco – I’ve always like this as means of salutation. It could actually work a lot like “aloha,” where it means both hello and good bye. Example:
YOU: Hey there, Mikey! Wassup?
ME: Disco! You going to that show at Shuba’s tonight?
YOU: Totally. I heard that Gigolo Tony plans to be there.
ME: Have his eyebrows grown back yet?
YOU: Nah. But his nose is almost back to normal.
ME: Well that’s good.
YOU: Seriously. He was starting to look like a butt cheek with a squash stuck to it.
ME: Of all the comparisons to make, that’s what you come up with?
YOU: What?
ME: Nevermind. I’ll see you at the show. Later, dude.
YOU: Disco.

Cellchop – Any of the millions of freakin’ idiots whose use of a cell phone in a public place pisses me off in any way. This includes, but is certainly not limited to the following:

  • People driving 10 MPH below the speed limit.
  • People in restaurants who make the server wait to take their order because they’re in the middle of telling someone that they’re wearing pink socks today, isn’t that cool!?
  • People on the train or bus or wherever who don’t seem to mind that they’re broadcasting to everyone within earshot that they shacked up with some random dude the night before.
  • People driving who don’t recongnize that the light’s turned green.
  • People in line at a grocery store, or Dominick’s or someplace who completely ingnore anything the cashier says to them because they’re too busy discussing how they found a great new flavor of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream called Mint Chocolate Holy Shit I’m Not Fat Enough So I Should Probably Eat More Freakin’ Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream Swirl.
  • People at a concert talking to a friend who couldn’t make it who hold up the phone so that they can hear the show. Stupid!
  • People driving at all while on the phone. It just drives me nuts. Mostly, because 97% of you can’t drive without a phone stuck to your ear, let alone while gabbing about something that would undoubtedly piss me off even more were I able to hear it. If one of you kills me, I’m really gonna be pissed.

Spinniferous Salivation – That weird tasting and particularly gooey type of saliva that gathers in your mouth when you feel like you’re gonna be sick. It usually occurs at about three or four in the morning after a night of partying and the room won’t stop spinning. Although it can occur after getting off the Tilt-a-Whirl as well.

I think that’s a pretty good start. Feel free to come up with your own expressions that you might like to see worked into everyday vernacular. I think you’ll enjoy it.

Not so silent, but still deadly.

Someone explain to me why it is that some guys walk into a public men’s room and behave as though they’re in the privacy of their own home. The other day I was in the men’s room at work taking care of some paper work when someone came in and used one of the urinals. As he was evacuating his fluids, he began to groan and talk to himself. “Hoo boy, Stevie, atta boy,” he was saying to himself. “Wow. Yeah, there you go.”

No kidding. This guy was actually encouraging himself as he went. I swear I’m not making that up.

I work in a big office and there are hundreds of people I don’t know, so I don’t actually know who this guy is, but for crying out loud, people, just assume that there’s someone in a stall when you walk into what appears to be an empty men’s room.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard guys walk up to a urinal and fart and belch and groan and moan and make whatever other sort of body noises they feel they need to make in order to feel fully relieved. But it happens a lot. Maybe that means I’m in there too often, but a guy needs his sanctuary, know what I’m saying?

So fellas, quit disturbing my quiet time with all your cheek breeze.