Two Year Anniversary & A Poem to Boot

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to say that today marks the two year anniversary of my time here on WordPress. In that time I’ve written a lot of posts, deleted a lot of spam, read a lot of Chuck Norris facts, and even written and deleted a handful of posts having thought better of them.

To celebrate, for no particularly good reason, I’ve written a poem. I wonder who can identify the source of its inspiration. I actually hope to write a song with the same title. The lyrics would be quite different, however.

Sugar, Mr. Poone?
by Michael P. Fertig

She converted personal holdings,
Not corporate holdings,
Personal holdings.
Were there improprieties?
Aren’t there always?
Like a fist punching a picture frame
Hanging from the wall,
Shattered lives tend to result
From murderous plots,
Polygamous tendencies,
And drug pushing cops.
Where are the mattress police
When you really need them?
Where have you gone,
Sally Anne Cavanaugh?
Where have you gone?

Over One Million Served!

Let me begin by apologizing for my long silence here. I’ve been lazy, with a touch of busy. But whatever, it’s my page, I can take a couple months off if I want to.

Although I will say this, I had been watching my blog stats for awhile there, keeping track of where I was in total numbers. I was approaching the 1,000,000 mark for “total views” and I was looking forward to it. But then I sort of forgot about it.

But, it’s okay! I remembered now.

As of 2:05 pm today, Because the World Is Round has had 1,012,818 total views.

Not too shabby for a little ol’ blog about nothing in particular and everything in general. Thanks so much to all of you who have provided significant chunks of that number. Please accept my sincere thank you for reading. For those of you who’ve dropped me email over these past months, thanks for writing. I promise to address some of your topic suggestions soon as I’ll be making an effort to get back to posting regularly. So check back!

Now, if I could just figure out how to start making money doing this….

Chuck Norris and Mountain Dew

So check this out.

blogstats.jpg

I’m really not sure what happened on March 6, 7, 8 or thereabouts to cause such a spike in the number of visits to this modest little blog of mine, but all I can guess is that it has to do with the commercial featuring Chuck Norris chasing down two internet jokers who put his picture on the head of an ostrich. The number of search engine referrals to the two main Chuck Norris fact posts I put up so long ago has gone up considerably in the last week as well.

It’s cool to get so many hits. I just wonder how many people who come for Chuck stay for the other content.

I gotta say, though, I kinda wish I would’ve written that commercial for Chuck. I would’ve included many more expensive special effects. I mean in keeping with the tradition of the Chuck Norris facts shouldn’t he have sucked the innards out of a watermelon and pelted those two jokers with a barrage of rapid-fire seeds? Or he could’ve at least halted the Earth’s gravitational pull for a second. At the very least, he should have sneezed, causing the skeletons of the two guys to jump right out of their bodies. With all the possibilities that exist for a commercial like that, I have to admit to be a little disappointed with the outcome.

Although, now that I think about it, they wouldn’t have actually had to use any special effects at all. I mean, this IS Chuck Norris we’re talking about.

Of course, the perfect close to the commercial would have been for Chuck Norris to bite into the Mountain Dew can like it was an apple or something. Now that would’ve been cool.

Akismet Spam

So WordPress has this filter that catches spam from solicitors posting comments that are full of links to various pharmacutical websites, or porn websites, or insurance websites, or really any website that’s selling anything. Some of these comments are just blatant, with a whole list of links to various places.

But the fun spam comments are those that try to hide the fact that they’re spam. They’ll have a link to the site they’re peddling but their comment will be something complimentary about the blog. The hilarious thing is that clearly very few of the people who leave these comments are very well versed in the English language. And those that can construct complete sentences are so complimentary, it’s comical.

So, please enjoy the following examples of some of these comments. They’re all cut and pasted exactly has they appear in my folder.

  • like your site ! Its very well !
  • i try to find something at google.com and take it on your site…thanks
  • Great job guys… Thank for you work…
  • looking for information and found it at this great site.
  • Very needed information found here, thank you for your work
  • Great site!!! Very Cool. Keep up the good work. Very sweet person to chat with. :) Luv, ME
  • You are the best! Im glad…
  • This is one of the best sites I have ever found. Thanks!!! Very nice and informal. I enjoy being here.
  • Take care of it and keep it on the road!
  • Your site is very convenient in navigation and has good design. Thanks!
  • perfect site good information, very nice news and etc… tnx
  • Very interesting and beautiful site. It is a lot of ful information. Thanks.
  • Updated: 6.21.06

  • This is a cool site! Thanks and wish you better luck! Brilliant but simple idea.
  • Interesting, but navigation system is a little bit confusing
  • Hello, nice site look this: [links to computer/business/shopping/etc.] End ^) See you
  • I’m love this great website. Many thanks guy
  • Sehr guten site. Alles arbeitet deutlich(klar), schon eben storungsfrei. Wer machte? Vielleicht vom Weg?
  • Hello, Admin! You are the best!!! Congratulations. Best regards from regular visitor of your site. ;)
  • Super site ! Bravo au webmaster qui a su rendre le site tres interressant.Continue comme ca ;)
  • Hi! Your site appeared very useful to me. Excellent work, thanks.
  • I’ll be sure to come back and add more of these as they’re posted. But if anyone wants a website where they can buy Xanax or Levitra, just start a blog and in no time you’ll be getting links to all these things. Not to mention the links to “disney cartoon sex picdisney cartoon sex pictureadult cartoon disney free sexadult disney sex cartoondisney cartoon having sex.”

    What the hell is Disney sex? Old pictures of Walt with his secretary? Who would really want to see a picture of Pluto and Goofy tag-teaming Daisy Duck? For crying out loud, what has this world come to?

    An open letter to the WordPress server

    So last night I logged into my WordPress account only to receive a message from the WordPress server. It seems it was down for a moment and a message was thrown up to inform users to stand by. This was the message:

    Confessions Of A Server
    OH MY! Life is so unfair! What did I do wrong to be born a server in this
    day and age? I could have been a nice simple bicycle that people happily
    rode around on all day. But no, I’m stuck inside this metal case serving web
    pages instead. I never even see the light of day and all I can hear is the
    rush of the air-conditioning!
    Well, no more! I’m relaxing here with a cup of tea and a biscuit until
    someone shows me some love and attention.

    It never takes them long to fix me when I kick up a fuss so check back in a
    few minutes and I’ll be chugging along merrily again.!

    Signed,
    The WordPress.com web server
    (WordPress.com – where even the machines have life!)

    After reading this I was suddenly hit with a severe case of guilt. I’ve realized what a thankless job this server has, and I for one, feel the need to express my feelings for it. Therefore, I’m sharing this open letter to the WordPress server:

    Dear WordPress Server,

    I got your message the other night. I must apologize. I’ve taken you for
    granted. I can admit that now. I mean you’ve just always been there for me.
    I’ll say it, there’ve been nights that I’ve gotten home at 2:30 in the
    morning. Too intoxicated to log on, let alone even acknowledge that you’re
    there — waiting for me.

    It’s reassuring, to be sure. But it’s also not good for me. Do you know how
    hard it is to get excited about something that you just sort of come to rely
    on? It’s difficult. I mean you don’t get excited everytime your key unlocks
    your front door, do you? No.

    And perhaps that’s a shame. Perhaps this is the society that we’ve allowed
    to develop right in front of us. How often do we really appreciate the
    simple things that we rely on? Not often, Server. Not often.

    You’ve always treated me without judgement. I think it only fair that I do
    the same to you. I vow to you, right here, right now, that things are gonna
    change. I give you my word that I will think about you, all the time. I will
    thank the powers that be for your existence every time that I change
    the visual theme of my WordPress blog.

    You’ve seen me at the peak of my popularity. When my head got big because of that time I got over 30,000 views in three days, you didn’t say a word. You just kept on keeping on. And now that the Chuck Norris phenomenon is fading, you’re still there. I thank you for that.

    Chuck Norris may be capable of processing enough data through a manipulated
    cerebellic formula allowing for the displacement of unanticipated
    post-modern unix-disabled runoff. But I understand completely that you are
    what you are, and I can’t expect you to be anything more than that.

    In this blog eat blog world, you are the constant that keeps me sane. You are my Rock, and I can smell what you are cooking. You are my server, and I will tip you 20% everytime.

    Regardless of what our future holds, I want — no — I need for you to
    understand how important you are to me. You are the lifeblood that flows
    through my interweb. You are the trachea to my voicebox. Without you, I’m
    just an unlit candle, sitting in the dark. A simple potential source of
    energy and output; existing without a chance to glow.

    Thank you, Server. Thank you.

    You take all the time you need. You deserve it. I’ll still be here when you’re up and running again.

    With love and admiration,
    Mike Fertig
    Because the World Is Round

    The World was Round Before Columbus, but Flatter After John Lennon.

    So today is Columbus Day, and were it not for him, the name of my blog might be called something like “Because the World Is…Crap I’m Falling Off!”

    So, let’s hear it for Christopher Columbus traveling the seven seas in search of gold and slaves and discovering that the world is in fact round, and not just a giant Risk board. Though he may one day go down in history as an evil man looking to save his own ass lest his creditors string it up, today is his day. A day on which many of us received vacation from school. So to us, he was a true hero. Forget the fact that he never even set foot on what is the North American continent, forget the fact he ripped 1200 Taino Indian natives from their families and homes on the island of Hispaniola and paraded them naked through the streets of Seville, Spain where they were sold as slaves, and forget that within 50 years the Taino Indians were extinct, essentially making Columbus guilty of genocide. Forget all that, because in 1742, the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria became the three most famous vessels right up until we saw the Millenium Falcon, the pink helicopter from the TV show Riptide, and K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. But happy Columbus Day.

    Also, ironically, yesterday was John Lennon’s birthday. And of course, Lennon was the Beatle who penned the song Because, for which this blog is named. Hopefully you all celebrated accordingly.

    I feel the need to write more about John Lennon, but he holds such a reverent position in my mind it’s really hard for me to sit and write much about him. As a six year old Beatle fan, I remember vividly the morning of his death. My dad woke me from bed and we watched Tom Brokaw on the Today show deliver details of the shooting. I remember crying. Even at six years old, I knew how significant that was.

    But I still grieve for the loss of John Lennon. My dad used to say that there are two people for whom he grieves, one is was my grandfather, his Father-in-Law, the other is John Lennon. They were two men from completely different generations who possessed amazing character and who’s departures from this very round and diverse world have left it that much flatter.

    Happy birthday John, and good riddance Chris.

    Google me tickled.

    Within the administrative sections of WordPress blogs, there are all sorts of lists of stats that tell the owner of that blog how many views each post gets a day, and so on. But one of the other things it tells you is the Google searches that have led web surfers to your site.

    The following are actual things that people typed into Google, and from this they were provided a link to my blog, and for whatever reason, they clicked on the link.

    How do you spell monkey
    gardenmulch
    nudist friends (this one was googled in some other language too)
    a picture of a guy all tied up in bed (I’m not making these up, I swear.)
    Liver Flush 2005
    mini-ditka (I’m the top link on this one.)

    There are also a few other Google searches for things like “why is the world round” or “nick names.” Stuff like that. I get kick outta the fact that there are people looking for nudists and finding me.

    What’s in a name?

    So, as you may have noticed, I finally settled on a name for my blog. “Because the World Is Round.”

    I should hold a contest to see who can tell me where I got that from. Of course, I don’t have anything to give away as a prize, so it would be a pretty meaningless contest. Therefore I’ll just tell you.

    It’s the first line in the Beatle song Because. “Because the world is round it turns me on.” I had been struggling to find a name when that song popped up on my iPod. And then, like I said to Glenda, it hit me like a ton of toe nail clippings: that’s the name. So there you have it.

    And I think it’s fitting for several reasons. First, I’m a huge Beatle fan. I wrote my senior thesis in high school on the Beatles and gave a speech in college about the “Paul is dead” theory. So if you wish to discuss, I’d be happy to.

    The second reason the title is fitting is because the line itself is general enough to encapsulate everything that I might be likely to write about. I’m guessing that most of what I write about will be hard to fit under a specific category. But the fact is that the world really is round. So I can talk about anything that happens on it. Either to me or to others.

    Really, there are a number more of reasons why I like the title, but all that matters is that it’s there now. Maybe now I’ll change all my categories to Beatle songs too. Or maybe albums with songs as subcategories.

    I probably have too much time on my hands.