Coffee? Tea? Bathroom cleanser?

The other day I was enjoying a cup of coffee. It was so good, I thought I’d have a second cup. I filled up my mug, and headed toward the computer to check some emails, but decided to hit the bathroom first. I went to set my coffee mug on the shelf that stands just inside the doorway of my bathroom. The top shelf is about five feet off the ground. As I set it down, my finger caught on the handle of the mug, shaking it violently enough to splatter half the contents of the mug over the side of the mug and down the shelves, onto the floor, and thus splashing up around the various bathroom amenities one comes used to having in American bathrooms. Specifically, the toilet, the toilet brush, a bathroom scale, a package of Scott Tissue toilet paper, and the lower shelves of the aforementioned unit.

Now I’m not sure if any of you have ever actually spilled coffee around the base and surrounding area of your toilet before, but lemme tell you this, were someone to walk into that commode before I’d cleaned up, the assumption they would make is one that I would prefer to avoid having made.

Remember the scene in the film Trainspotting where Obi Wan Kenobi, I’m sorry, Ewan McGregor, has to use the loo and he walks into the nastiest bathroom ever seen? Well my bathroom wasn’t that bad, but the way the coffee spilled and splattered lightly around the floor, the base of the walls, on the Scott Tissue toilet paper packages, on the toilet brush, up and around the base of the toilet, and on the toilet seat itself, one could easily come to the conclusion that I had a pretty unfortunate morning.

In retrospect, I should’ve taken a picture of it. Instead, I just cleaned it up. But a year from now, when you’re looking for a fresh April Fool’s prank, remember this one.

The coffee poem.

I wrote a poem this morning. I thought I’d share it with all of you.

Java! Dig It!

In the morning when I’m sleepy
and all the world’s a haze,
I chug a gallon of coffee
it always improves my days.

Coffee, you rock.
Coffee, you rule.
Coffee, you rock.
Coffee, you’re picked then transported on a mule.

Coffee!

Thank you.

Why is it so cold? Why?

It’s sorta funny, but I’m actually a foot and a half shorter right now than I was when I climbed out of bed this morning. I got out of the shower this morning, got dressed, and walked outside to make my way to work. But it was so cold out that my feet kept freezing to the ground. Seriously! Who saw that coming? Not me. But remember in Terminator 2 when Robert Patrick’s character, the T-1000, was trying to walk through the liquid nitrogen spill and it froze him to the ground? He kept walking but his feet and legs snapped off until he ultimately froze entirely. Then Governor Terminator shot him and shattered him into pieces. Well that’s sort of what happened to me today. Except, once both of my feet snapped off at the shins, I was able to drag myself the rest of the way to the car.

Working the clutch on the ol’ Dodge Stratus was tricky, to say the least, but I made it

And being short isn’t so bad. Now my girlfriend can’t make me get stuff off the high shelves anymore.

Air Conditioning

Many of you are aware of the heat wave enveloping the country. Yesterday it was up in the nineties here in Chicago. That’s pretty hot. On Sunday I finally put my window A/C unit up in my bedroom. This was definitely much needed as I slept much better.

The problem is, though, that I think the damn thing might actually be broken. Because I went to bed last night and turned the dial to “Maximum Cool,” but when I woke up this morning I was still the same lame dumbass that I’ve always been.

I’ll never be cool.

What does this mean?

Sometimes I get startled when the toast pops up.

I mean I know it’s coming. I’m expecting it. But it just pops up so suddenly that I can’t help but jump.

Somehow I’m sure this is something that could be used to explain a lot of my issues.

Spoons are to spaghetti as forks are to soup.

I brought some leftover spaghetti into work for lunch today. I didn’t bring any silverware as there are usually plastic forks in one of the kitchens around the office.

Not today.

Ever try to eat spaghetti with a couple spoons? It’s tough. Even using them like chopsticks was tricky.

Luckily, my buddy Ayako stopped by with a fork she’d found in a hidden kitchen I never visit.

Needless to say, I was grateful.

The only problem now is that I’m still hungry.

Why?

What a good question this is!

Why did you do that? Why is this here? Why didn’t you tell me that? Why would I say that? Why am I naked? Why do you think I killed him? Why is my toothbrush in your shoe? Why did you lick my forehead? Why is this rat poison in the cupboard? Why would I steal your jock strap? Why is mom clucking like a chicken? Why didn’t I wear pants today? Why is it that every time I come over you smell like sulfur? Why are those fish wearing earrings? Why did that man just lick his lips when he looked at you? Why are you spanking yourself? Why is there blood trickling from your ear? Why do you always cry when I mention Greta Van Sustern? Why isn’t my urine more delicious to the taste? Why do you think I did that? Why does everyone flee when I do that? Why don’t squirrels like to play fetch? Why won’t someone hire me as a ballet dancer? Why can’t I wear white after Labor Day? Why did I have to eat that last piece of pizza? Why can’t penguins fly? Why are you still here? Why would a man in my position need to steal eyeliner? Why is it that you never tell me you love me, Officer? Why is my nipple leaking? Why won’t this thing budge? Why do you have a Lincoln Log in your ear? Why is is your car parked on my grandmother? Why can’t you just shut up? Why would I want to help you shave that? Why won’t Ben Affleck just die? Why does Arbor Day only have to come once a year? Why didn’t Obi Wan go back and finish off Annakin? Why do birds suddenly appear every time you take out the trash? Why are these stains on my carpet? Why do I have to explain these midgets to you? Why don’t you ever let me try your iron lung, grandpa? Why is this hose that’s connected to the gas line running under the door to my bedroom, Dad? Why are we here?

Why indeed?

Because the world is round.

When did the light go on?

When did they start putting lights into freezers? Because mine doesn’t have one, but my parents’ does.

What took so long for somene to put spare batteries into their scotch on the rocks, and ice cubes into their Gameboy/flashlight/vibrator in order for the realization to hit?

“Damn! Sure wish I could see in the freezer. It’s dark in there!”

Just wondering, is all.